Another Tough Week

This week was tougher than last week. I was denied a position with a company that I was really looking forward to. I felt horrible all week, and friends irritated me like never before. Alex had a tough time at school all week long, and I felt as though I was failing him because I couldn't make it better. I couldn't figure out the answer to making his world click with our own in a way that would positively influence his learning and social skills. I read articles, I read blogs, I read peer reviewed journal articles by doctors and psychologists... and nothing fit. Nothing helped.

Worst. Feeling. Ever.

But then, on Saturday, I saw this:

This helped me push through all of the bad to remember what I am now, and always will be thankful for. Whether it is how well they get along, how they were practically made for each other, even the way they can both make me smile after a horrible day. When I was called about not getting the job I interviewed for last week, Tony yelled, "F*** you, LHI!" while in the car after I told him. He said I should send them a thank you card when I get a job, because it will be one that I love, and they didn't stand in my way. When I felt like a terrible parent, lost and bawling my eyes out, he took my hand and reminded me that I should never have all of the answers, and that I am a good mom. I am not sure how he does it, how he always remembers that no matter what he is an awesome dad, but there are times where I am so thankful that he is in my life I can't even put it into words. I am lucky to have him by my side, supporting me and loving not just me, but Alex too. I am not sure if he quite understands exactly how much power his love and presence has on Alex and I.

And Alex, for as much difficulty as he had at school, never showed it at home. He always ran to me after getting off the bus with a "Momma! Momma!", cuddled with me, and reveled in a chorus of "MOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!" and "DAAAAAADDDDDDDD!" this weekend when he had both of us home with him.

So this is a new week. I have to try and put the things that happened last week and the week before behind me. Alex is having a hard time in school with the new concepts, and is taking it out on his friends. All that we can do is just keep reminding him that he shouldn't take his frustrations out on his friends, because they want to help him too.

He still is refusing to touch his iPad for very long, because I put new games on there addressing some of the topics he is having a hard time with in school. I am hoping he gets over this soon, because they are some pretty fun games!

So the real heart of why I have been so, distant... lets say, to those around me is partially from frustration, but mostly guilt. I feel bad that I am getting frustrated, because Alex is the way he is. Its just as frustrating to him too. The important thing to me is that he never sees me cry because of any of this, that he never sees how frustrated and crazy it makes me. I don't want him to know about the sleepless nights where stress is keeping me from sleeping longer than 2 hours, or days where my eyes are practically bleeding from reading so much from "experts". This is so important to me because I don't ever want Alex to feel bad about the way he is, about who he is, or about his life in general. I always want him to be able to tell me anything, because dealing with things as a family is really important. I don't want him to be ashamed of choices he makes, as long as they are thought about thoroughly and it makes him happy without hurting others.

Further guilt is that I think about siblings, and what is going to happen if I really am the one to blame, and our next child has autism as well? I won't love them any differently, but I will feel guilty nonetheless.

I still have a lot to think about. A lot to figure out. I don't ever expect things to get easier, but rather that I become tougher to deal with them. That is possibly the best parental advice that I can give to anyone: Don't expect things to become easier, expect yourself to become tougher.

Aggressive Alex Isn't Allowed

Apologies for missing my post last week, but my grad school classes started on Monday, and I was bound and determined to get ahead of schedule, considering this is my first semester and I have no idea what I am in for. Not to mention, I am planning a wedding, looking for a job, and getting my research data gathered together for an oral presentation at the National Conference on Undergraduate Research (NCUR). I have been, how do you say, busy.

But the main point is that I am back, and boy do I have some interesting stuff to talk about. First, however, pictures!

We really know how to tire this kid out!

The snow is starting to go away, he is getting in the fun while he can!

So the good news is that Alex is becoming a pro at making sure he gets his outside clothes on in the correct order, and most of the time, he even has his boots on the right feet! But, then, the middle of last week, he started to get sick. He made it through and only missed one day of school (which, when he came home, he acted like nothing was wrong, he thought he would get to play with me), otherwise he was quite the trooper. I know he loves to be outside, so it was hard for me that day he was home and I wanted to focus on getting better, not playing with me.

From Friday of last week, Alex has been out of sorts. He was disruptive during class, did not want to do his morning chores, and he was being aggressive toward his classmates. Tony and I changed his nighttime routine, so it is the exact same every night, and I gave him a break Wednesday morning and had Tony get him ready for school. My mom and dad picked him up from school, and my mom said that he had a much better day than the previous days, and even the note on Thursday was reassuring, saying that even though a kid reported some wrongdoing on Alex's part on the bus, he was eager to do what was asked of him at school and did his morning jobs with no problems.

I have been reading about behavior management, especially what is effective for autistics. Unlike what some people think, you cannot simply yell at or punish an autistic the same way people do to other children. Instead, a conversation should be started about what was wrong with the behavior they showed, and how they can correct it for the next time. I have also been looking for an app for his iPad, something involving social situations and what the right way to treat your friends is, but I have not been able to find anything yet. I may have to have the Google extraordinaire, Tony, look for one. Or maybe Stacey... she is really good at finding things that I need too.

I was also trying to figure out last night, waking up every couple hours to think, about what could the problem have been. Why did he suddenly start acting this way? Was he just overwhelmed with the amount of "Mom Time" he was getting? Did he want to spend more time with Dad and just didn't know how to ask? Is he getting bored at school? I am stressing myself out a lot by trying to figure out the answer, and so I need to step back from the issue, and focus back on Alex, not the problem.

I need to take another picture break.

Playing with his new Hulk. 

Eating Yogurt Raisins and playing iPad.

Reading his new Guardian books.

He is struggling with new concepts in school, and he is still having aggression issues. I think that I have to face the fact that it is time to go back and see his doctors to discuss these issues. We need to figure out what we need to do to make his time in school less stressful for him, get him to start interacting with his peers differently, and help him to be as successful as he can.

I got a letter home from his teacher telling about how the quarter ends on the 23rd of this month, and that after this time they are going to start working on stuff they will need to be prepared for 1st grade. He struggles working independently (which I kind of laughed about because that is the only way that I like to work) and he has to learn how to work better with others at the same time.

I feel, well, a variety of things. Overwhelmed, because I guess I am not sure where to start. I feel sad because I know this is something that is going to cause a lot of fights between us and Alex. Lost. Angry. You know, all of those feelings that one would expect in this particular situation. I want to just cry... a lot. It is my job to handle this, and this is one of those times where I could not imagine being one of those parents that just rely on the school to do everything.

I need to take a breather. I need to just take some time with Tony and discuss what we should do. Meanwhile, I think I am just going to do more research on the subject, and hope that I can come up with answers. I cannot take many more sleepless nights worrying and thinking.

Happy New Year!

While this week brought another change in his routine (started back at school again from winter break), nothing really overwhelming happened. Last night some friends of ours came over and Alex was able to play with their baby daughter, because as we know, he has been practicing taking care of babies at school.

He did a lot of playing in the snow, and when I asked him if winter was his favorite season, he jumped and said, "YES!" So that answers that question.

This week I have been thinking a lot about words. We are extremely lucky that Alex has language skills, because some Autistics don't speak at all. I know people probably look at Tony and I and judge us as parents because we do not really censor ourselves around Alex, and we try to teach him that words and their meanings are just something that humans made up. In the vast grand scheme of things, does it really matter what four letter word I just called the neighbor?

We are very laid back parents, which works because its what Alex responds to the best.

For this first post of the new year, I think I will not go any deeper, or any longer. Yesterday, I found my wedding dress, so today I am quite tired from that ferociously girly experience that I am totally not used to. I made the lady who was helping me find dresses and put them on cry with my story. She saw my tattoo and said it was very interesting, and I told her the story was much more interesting.

Next week's entry, hopefully, I will have some engagement photos to share, and since they will have a normal school week, maybe I will have more interesting Alex-isms to share.

I hope you are all having a happy new year!