New Year, New Hope, New Heart Attacks

Its the new year, and I was lucky enough to get to spend the first day of it with my two favorite guys. We didn't let Alex stay up until midnight, however we did watch some Youtube videos of some fireworks from Sydney, Australia and London, England yesterday. Although Alex doesn't grasp the concept of a new year (I think), I have been plagued with thoughts since about noon on the 31st. I think about the things that are happening this year, that I want to happen, and that may happen... and I almost have a panic attack. So though this post may not be completely about Alex, it is about what our family has coming to it in 2012.

The biggest thing happening is my graduation with my Bachelors degree in December. With that comes three semesters (Spring, Summer, and Fall) of intense work, research, and the biggest and most closest thing: The GRE. Thinking about it is giving me a mild heart attack. I have to stay focused this whole year, my family's future depends on it. It is scary having that kind of responsibility, especially knowing that after I graduate I will be able to get a full time job, and make Alex's life better. He has had to deal with me through all of this, and he has done an excellent job! True, now that he has Tony to help deal with me, it is easier, but still very daunting for a 5 year old.

Even though I play the part differently, being me is rather daunting sometimes. Its hard to maintain a balance between spending enough time with my family, my relationship with Tony, school, work, and making sure I am up to date with all things Alex. Whenever I find that I am lacking in balance one way, I am devastated and shift everything to account for it. I don't do the whole "me time" thing because not only do I not believe in it, but I have far too many other things that require my time. And layered within that, I have the constant worry about Alex's future, any future children that Tony and I have, and just their well being in general. I think about how no matter what, I will stick up for Alex, Tony, and our hypothetical children and make sure that no one hurts them. Although I don't agree with Jenny McCarthy's views on Autism (because she has no scientific knowledge to back up her claims at all), I do agree with her idea of being a Mother Warrior, because a lot of the time it is a fight.

Along with my school, I have Alex's schooling to think about. If Tony and I decide that we finally cannot take the small space anymore and NEED to move, we would have to do it sometime over the summer, so that I have time to get Alex enrolled in whatever school district (*crossing fingers* COME ON WEST SALEM!) that we end up in, because this fall he will be in Kindergarten. Think about that! Our little boy will be in Kindergarten! Although it means that I am turning 26 this year (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little), Alex will be turning 6 years old this year! It makes me want to curl up on the couch with Kitties (since we are alone this morning) and sob into them and swear at them that they are not allowed to grow up. Speaking of growing up too fast... has anyone out there in the universe that reads this ever feel like you are being stalked by the next step in your life? Just follow me on this one. Lately, I have become content with the fact that Tony takes forever to decide that he wants to marry me, which is ok because it isn't going to really change anything, I will just get a name change. So the idea of having children is something that we have talked about a lot. Now.... the idea is stalking us. I swear. Its almost making me embarrassed. It seems like every time we turn around, something regarding having babies comes up. For example: My friend from work, Emily, told me that we should watch the show Sons of Anarchy. (Great show, by the way.) But the first episode, someone is pregnant! Really? Then, I started getting back into How I Met Your Mother, since Season 6 is on Netflix, and Marshall and Lily are trying to get pregnant. Jeeze. THEN, Tony and I watch Bones together.... and of course, Bones is pregnant. /facepalm Then, every family get together we have where I get to play with Leah (my goddaughter), someone always makes the observation that Alex is really good with babies... and that my parents are getting older.... really? REALLY PEOPLE? Yes... the concept of us having another child is stalking us. No, there are two things that need to happen before we have another child: One, Tony is marrying me, and two, we need a bigger place. Not that we all don't enjoy being close together, but it is getting so that our stuff doesn't have room, and Alex is running out of running space.

Oh 2012, you are a daunting one, aren't you? Trying to kill me and it's only Day 2! But, I look forward to seeing what changes comes to our family, what awesome advancements Alex sees, and where we will be 366 days from now (This year is a leap year, remember). Happy New Year Everyone!

Holiday Season

While other families during this time of year are worshiping their faith in their own ways, in my little family of three we celebrate being together. During this time of year, I want Alex to grow up knowing that this is when we celebrate being a family, show how thankful we are to those around us, and we spend time together with our extended families. What I find to be very marvelous about Alex is that every time someone gave him a present, for a moment in time while he was unwrapping it, it was the most important thing in his life. He looked at each wrapped package and said, "OH!", then unwrapped it and had to check the whole present over before moving on to the next, which he was equally surprised about getting.

See. Just because our little family doesn't believe in god, doesn't mean that we don't have morals or treat this holiday season like it is just any old day.

This year was definitely a year of celebration of Alex when it came to the presents. Each of my siblings and my parents received an Autism Awareness ribbon for their vehicles, I got a button proclaiming that every day is Autism Awareness in our house, and Alex got an amazing shirt (see above). With the money that he received, he got a new pair of shoes and a new piggy bank that counts the money that he has saved in it. From Tony and I, he got a toy organizer and a book rack, some glow in the dark stars and a star gazer. But his favorite present came from Grandpa and Grandma, because they got him a train. Leave it to Alex to make sure that my mom and dad remain young by making sure they get down on the ground and help him put together his train tracks.

Alex did an amazing job this year with everyone together. He is gradually getting better and better about the family gatherings, and it was remarked a couple of times how his speech is getting so much better. He was able to cuddle on the babies a bit, eat some food with us all, and open his presents, with no major melt down. We are trying to find a good way for him to communicate his wants and needs to others who don't know his language, without feeling like he is frustrated and needs to freak out.

He has been enjoying all of the time that he and I have gotten to spend together this past week. We cuddle up and read and watch TV while Tony is at work, then we have some family time when he gets home. Yesterday we went shopping and had a late lunch together. We all really enjoyed it. I think that Tony and I are doing a great job of getting Alex to realize that we are not leaving him (at least, not for extended periods of time) and that he can rely on us to help him out if he needs it. He still, though, has his stubborn moments where he wants to do things himself, and gets frustrated when he can't.

When people look at my family, it is sometimes silly that they think that they see everything. Yes, Tony and I are not married, but that doesn't mean that we don't have the partnership. There are plenty of marriages out there where the woman or the man does everything and their spouse does nothing. We may not be married, but that doesn't make us any less "Mom and Dad". Just because we only have one child, doesn't mean we don't know what it is like to have multiple kids. Our child can be fine one minute, then have a major melt down and destroy the house the next second. It takes both of our brains together to help Alex with what he needs. To me, Tony and I share a bond that goes far beyond what some piece of paper proclaims. We have an understanding that we will both be there for each other, have each other's back, and be grateful for one another every day. We are grateful that we have Alex in our lives, because he is different, just like we are. We all fit together, like the puzzle pieces were made for each other. We didn't let Autism change how we felt about each other, but it did make us evaluate how we are as parents, and what Alex needs from us. As we move forward in this adventure, the three of us are going to continue to have each other's backs. With the closing of this year, we look forward to the changes that this next year brings, and we will always be thankful for everything we have, especially everything we have in each other.

First Field Trip, A Success!

Well, today was an epic day in the life of our little social creature. This morning, we went on his school field trip to the Children's Museum in La Crosse, and what a time he had! His favorite was the models of the Mississippi River, and the changes it went through by having dams put in. He collected all of the boats and sent them down the river, and then he made them go through each dam individually. His second favorite thing was the massive train table, and he and I both agreed that he and Grandpa would have a great time with one if only they could talk Grandma into letting them have one.

He also had fun pretending to be a fire fighter, and driving the fire truck. He would turn the lights on and off, and make driving noises as he was steering the wheel. He was ready to put out some fires, except he didn't want to wear the hat.

This is a pretty big thing for him. A new place, with some new people, and he had a blast! This place was made for him, with all of the things to do, the lights, the action, and of course, I was there with him!

After the museum, he got to stay at school and have lunch with his friends. He tried pineapple chunks, but thought they were too tangy for his taste. He ate his peanut buttered bagel, his cheese sticks, and of course his french fries. He had some party snacks this afternoon, and his teachers said he had a blast today! This is a good sign for the testing of how he is going to do when he has to stay at school the whole day, which we are going to try this spring. A couple of days he will go in and experience what it is like to be a Kindergartner, and learn what is going to be expected of him once he is past Preschool. I am sure, however, that he is up to the challenge!

His interest in books is growing, so I found this app for my phone that is a phonics game with a turtle. His name is Tommy, and you can have him walk across the letters to have them sounded out fast, slow, or in the middle. Alex really likes this game, and likes sounding out the letters. This is a great way to get him starting to read! I told him that once he learns how to read, I am positive that he will be smarter than I am in no time, because he will read anything! I also have this feeling that once he starts to read, his language will get better because he will be exposed to so much more language, and that he will begin to understand more words much easier and better too. And then both Tony and I better be prepared for some serious talking!

Since I have Winter Break and I am going to be doing some studying on my days off, I got Alex an art supply set so that he can do some projects (since he won't have school until January 2nd) while I do studying. He is going to work on some Christmas cards (but people will get them post-Christmas, because I am slow like that), and then he will probably make a book with me. We will work on more phonics stuff, cutting and gluing things (and we hope that Daddy doesn't come home to find us glued together).

All three of us want to wish all of you out there who read this babbling a happy holiday season. Alex is excited for presents, I am excited for the break from school, and I think that even though he doesn't say it, Tony is excited that I have a break from school too (less stressed me means a better world for him :) ). I will probably post again after our family's holiday celebration and talk about how Alex did with a house full of girls, something that he should be quite accustomed to from all of the holidays he has had to put up with it though. No wonder why he says that Daddy and Grandpa are his best friends. They have to deal with all of the girls just like he does! That and, I guess, he has a pretty awesome Daddy in Tony, and my Dad is an amazing Grandpa.

From our family to yours, Happy Holidays!

Its Christmas Time, I Swear!

So our little Alexzander is making quite an impact on this year's preschool class! He has been doing great with the transitions from playing to working on their projects, and he has gotten the title of "Circle Time Police" because he will not let anyone sit idle during circle time! He is doing a wonderful job at doing all of the assigned tasks that he is given, and usually the only day they really have any problems is on Monday (but really, who among us wants to do things on Monday mornings?).

We have decided that he is going to start using people's names more. For example, the other night I told him to say good night to Tony and Erik, and he walked up to Tony and said, "Good night dad!" then walked over to Erik, looked at him a second, then said, "Good night dad?" we laughed, said "No...", so he switched it to, "Good night.... Name." We reminded him that it was "Erik", and since he has a really big love obsession with the movie "Monsters vs Aliens", he said, "Good night Derick." Close enough.

To add another chore to his chore chart, and to get Alex into feeling more like it is Christmas around here, I got him a little Christmas tree of his own to take care of. He watered it, and was really excited about it. Now we just have to make sure the cats don't eat it. There is still no snow in our valley, but once that comes and stays around, I think that Alex will be even more excited about Christmas coming. Right now, he probably thinks we are all lying to him because there is no snow on the ground... so it can't be almost Christmas!

The past week, we tried something else new. I didn't help him on to the bus this week. He was really scared one day, but for the most part he was alright just walking up to the bus and getting on. The first day, he stopped at the base of the steps, sighed, and told himself he could do it. He climbed up the steps and sat in his seat like the big boy he is, and rode to school. Such a big step for such a little guy! I am trying to make sure that he understands that he can rely on people when he needs to, but that he also has to be independent enough to do things on his own. It seems as though I am at the right point of balance between the two.

Today was a rough day for me, because I am dealing with the death of my godfather, my Uncle Phil. I cuddled with Alex and cried a bit, and he hugged me and gave me a kiss, then told me it was ok. I like how now, I can ask him simple questions and he will answer me. Like, I asked him if he thought I was a good mommy. He said, "Sure!" I asked him if he could pick any mommy in the world, would he still pick me? He looked at me and said, "Um... Yes." I am taking this as a good sign that I am doing something right. He tells me he loves me, and today while I was crying that he "loves daddy too", even though he wasn't here at the time to hear it.

In closing, I wanted to leave you with a quote from the "Always Unique Totally Intelligent Sometimes Mysterious" page from Facebook:

"Even with the increased awareness about autism, unfortunately there’s still a stigma surrounding the disorder, and it’s definitely a problem for families. Even in the best of circumstances, your life becomes very different. You’re constantly adapting, doing what you have to do just to survive, and the level of energy that effort requires is hard to imagine, if you haven’t been there. Society has no real understanding of autism, or awareness of the bizarre behaviors which are a part of the disorder. As parents we logically know that we have no reason to be ashamed of our child, but many times we feel responsible for who they are. The most important thing is to realize that autism is not tragic; our children are alive, healthy and wonderful. Our autistic children are whole, not broken and our own lives, by extension, are also whole and full of potential. Ordinary and motivated parents can overcome seemingly impossible hurdles and make an extraordinary difference in their children's lives. Autism has helped many become better families. It teaches us patience and understanding. Autism changes everything. We change the way we see ourselves, the ways we parent, our immediate future, and our long-term future. But we go on and overcome it. Every family has different experiences and outcomes, but every single one of us works hard to procure and provide something therapeutic every single day. But no matter how different it is for us, we have a lot in common too. One of the biggest things we have in common is how much we worry. We don't know what the future holds for our kids, and there is a lot to worry about."

If you have not liked this page, it is a really interesting one to read if you want to learn about autism. Until the next time I find time to write (I have finals next week, so it will probably be after that), I wish you all the best, and Alexzander says, "OH! Hello!"

So Much Excitement, So Little Time

Alexzander did a great job trick-or-treating this year, running around happily ringing people's doorbells, saying "Tricky-Treat!", and sorting out all of his candy when it was all over. He made a pretty handsome Thor, even though about halfway through our meanderings he lost his headgear (that would totally be -10 to armor stats) to Tony (+5 to armor) who wore it around, and I even managed to get a good picture of it!

Since last post, Alex's biological dad has moved away, and so now we are setting up Legal Guardianship with Tony, so that in case anything happens to me, he will be there for Alex. This has excited not only my family, but Tony's as well, because this makes Alex a part of their family. Its like, giving birth to a five year old!

This has come at a very perfect time for Alex, because he has started referring to Tony as "daddy" when he needs his attention, and it makes it so that its not confusing when I call him "Tony" to him. Now I can start using the same lingo he does, which will be strange at first, but in all honesty, Alex decided long before this happened that this is what he was going to call Tony.

We are taking a break from swimming, and we are spending this time concentrating on getting him to realize that sometimes, you have to stop playing to do some work. At school, they work on projects, and here at home, it will be things like cleaning or reading for his school reading challenge. His teacher has found that it is much easier for him if we work stepwise with him, rather than just giving him the whole task and expecting him to understand the steps. So, for example, when cleaning his room, the first thing we will pick up will be the books. Because we don't want to hurt our books. Next it will be the cars, because nobody's feet like stepping on cars in the middle of the night. After that, it will be the other toys, then blankets, and finally any clothes that may be laying around will go in the basket. He has gotten really good at undressing and making sure his clothes go in his clothes basket (that is another miracle done by Tony). We look forward to seeing how well he does with this, and hopefully he will transition into being able to do the task without needing the steps.

At school today, Viterbo hosted the 7 Rivers Research Symposium, and the keynote speaker was a lady named Meg. She is an ecologist, and when she was doing her research, she was a single mother, so she spoke about balancing her family, career, and life. Afterward, I spoke to her about Alex, and how I could use what she was talking about to help him. She first suggested that outside will be the most miraculous place for him to be, because it is quiet but yet booming with things that he can sense. By taking the time and letting him discover things one by one, he will become comfortable with it all, and then he might take things that he likes to do inside, outside. She understood that he is a very technologically driven child, meaning he likes to learn things via computers or even from his books. So she said that once he gets a grasp on outside, then he can bring things like an iPad with him outside, and he can get the healthy sunshine he needs while not stopping fueling that brain that needs to know everything. She autographed her book for me, and addressed it to him. She said her sister-in-law has and autistic son, and she said that just by me coming up and asking her about this, shows that I am really willing to do anything to help him. I told her this is very true, and that I read whatever I can about different case studies to see if I can apply anything to Alex. And before we said goodbye, she laughed, and said, "Don't forget the mud. Boys love mud." So that is where all of my money will probably be going later on in life... to buying Alex clothes because he plays in the mud too much.

This may sound silly, but I am perfectly content with everything right now. I have forgotten about the whole getting married thing, because honestly, by taking on Alex as being his own kid, Tony has showed that he loves us more than anything else in this world, and will stay with us as a part of the team. He has showed me that he is willing to be my partner, to be there by my side to help me with whatever we need. This is so much bigger than a proposal. Its so much more important to me that he shows that he doesn't just want me in his life, but that he wants Alex too, because we are a package deal. I am starting to think there is sometimes where he prefers Alex over me anyway, but that is the way its supposed to be, isn't it?

He and I have Alex's parent/teacher conference on the 22nd of this month, so I will probably update this after that. With everything that has been going on, there are times I almost feel out of breath because I am smiling so much. I have a feeling that it will just get worse, because this next semester will be a big one for me, after that Alex will start up swimming again and I will have research to do over the summer, and that will bring us to my graduation next December. At the glorious age of 26, I will be working on my Masters degree, have a beautifully gifted son, and we both will have someone there to back us up, making us happier than we have ever been.

Jabber Jaws

To put things plain and simple, Alex's language is getting so much better. Instead of his rambling and trying to catch tid-bits and having a hard time understanding him, he is now using his words and phrases he knows, repeating them when asked, and even personalizing some things when he babbles.

And boy, does he babble a lot.

For example: Sunday was his last swimming lesson (for the winter months, he will resume next spring), and he was not feeling very well. When I asked him while he was lying on the couch, not talking, if he was feeling ok, he said, "Yeah, I ok." and then when I told him to let me know if he needed something, he said, "Ok.". This may not seem like a very major thing, but it is. Before, if he was asked a question, he would just stare at you because he didn't understand what you wanted from him. He is now realizing that he follows a question with an answer, usually about himself, and he is doing wonderfully at it.

This morning, after spending the last two days with Tony, I asked him if he was ready to go to Grandpa's house. He said, "My Grandpa's house." He is personalizing the people in his life too! I never thought that I would be so proud of my child for taking ownership of things! He recognizes "mine" and "yours"!

Last night, during our family movie time, he was bugging Tony (which is normal) , and said, "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" (of course this gets to me, you know, the whole him calling Tony "dad" thing, but that isn't where I am going with this). He calls the cats by their "names", Kitty and Fat Cat, and he even made up his own song about Fat Cat. It was too cute. And he recognizes the cats as "his kitties". So many big steps!

He is starting to remember what certain words look like in his books, and when he points at them, he makes sure he reads them loudly because he is so excited. I really do think that once he gets the reading thing down, there will be no stopping him in reading anything and everything ever written.

He is so goofy, but I love him. Just like Tony- He is majorly goofy too, but I love him. Their goofiness compliments each other, and I guess my job is to be the ringleader of this circus?

"Loving Lampposts", and the Aftermath

On Sunday, I watched a movie called "Loving Lampposts". It was a documentary about a man trying to get into his autistic son's world, understand it, and see what his opinion was on it, after exploring all the different ideas (cures, causes, ect.). It was an excellent movie, and I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to know about Alex, and the man feels exactly the same way as I do about the whole situation, so you can really learn what I think about things as well. But after watching, I am thankful for many things. I am thankful that Alex does have what language he does, and uses it frequently, I am glad that even after Alex was diagnosed, it didn't hurt Tony and I's relationship (the movie said that most parents of autistic children go through a divorce, even though Tony and I are not married), and I am glad that he has Tony, myself, and his Grandpa and Grandma to be there for him and understand his quirks that no one else really does.

I do worry every day that one piece of Alex's puzzle life may one day be lost, and I am not sure how he will deal with it. I think about this because on Sunday my father turned 62, and he really is Alex's best friend. I know that it will be hard on me if I ever lose him, but Alex might not understand at first. It will be a really terrible time for him, trying to understand loss.

I know that my life is stressful on the people around it as well as me, and I am trying very hard to hurry up and finish school so that I can get a job and start contributing more to the household. After this semester is over, I will have spring semester, some classes over the summer, and then fall semester. Then, I plan on getting a full time job (hopefully in a lab somewhere) so that we can start saving so that we can make our family official. I know people may think that I want to marry Tony because "everyone is doing it" but that really isn't what it is about. He fits. He fits with Alex and I. Its not an easy job to fit with an autistic kid, let alone the workaholic/worrier/idiosyncratic mother, but he did it. And he is a great dad to Alex, just like my dad was/is to me, so now I just have to hope that we don't lose him.

Love. Its something that Alex, Tony, and I all do in different ways. While the guys are much more reserved about it, I am the one who hugs and kisses, and tells them that I love them every chance I get. Tony is much more reserved than Alex and I, where we have to kind of guess when he is trying to show us that he loves us. And Alex. He is probably the most profound in his ability to love. He has a strong sense of compassion, which he pairs with being silly, and has the ability to get pretty much anyone to fall in love with him.

Although all autistic children are different, they all have one thing in common, and that is they see the world in a different way. I think that sometimes, the rest of us need to try seeing the world as they do, so we can realize that maybe we have our priorities wrong. Maybe we need to make our lives simpler. Or maybe, if Alex were in charge of the world, everyone would have a trampoline and be required to jump everyday. That wouldn't be so bad, would it?