Holiday Season

While other families during this time of year are worshiping their faith in their own ways, in my little family of three we celebrate being together. During this time of year, I want Alex to grow up knowing that this is when we celebrate being a family, show how thankful we are to those around us, and we spend time together with our extended families. What I find to be very marvelous about Alex is that every time someone gave him a present, for a moment in time while he was unwrapping it, it was the most important thing in his life. He looked at each wrapped package and said, "OH!", then unwrapped it and had to check the whole present over before moving on to the next, which he was equally surprised about getting.

See. Just because our little family doesn't believe in god, doesn't mean that we don't have morals or treat this holiday season like it is just any old day.

This year was definitely a year of celebration of Alex when it came to the presents. Each of my siblings and my parents received an Autism Awareness ribbon for their vehicles, I got a button proclaiming that every day is Autism Awareness in our house, and Alex got an amazing shirt (see above). With the money that he received, he got a new pair of shoes and a new piggy bank that counts the money that he has saved in it. From Tony and I, he got a toy organizer and a book rack, some glow in the dark stars and a star gazer. But his favorite present came from Grandpa and Grandma, because they got him a train. Leave it to Alex to make sure that my mom and dad remain young by making sure they get down on the ground and help him put together his train tracks.

Alex did an amazing job this year with everyone together. He is gradually getting better and better about the family gatherings, and it was remarked a couple of times how his speech is getting so much better. He was able to cuddle on the babies a bit, eat some food with us all, and open his presents, with no major melt down. We are trying to find a good way for him to communicate his wants and needs to others who don't know his language, without feeling like he is frustrated and needs to freak out.

He has been enjoying all of the time that he and I have gotten to spend together this past week. We cuddle up and read and watch TV while Tony is at work, then we have some family time when he gets home. Yesterday we went shopping and had a late lunch together. We all really enjoyed it. I think that Tony and I are doing a great job of getting Alex to realize that we are not leaving him (at least, not for extended periods of time) and that he can rely on us to help him out if he needs it. He still, though, has his stubborn moments where he wants to do things himself, and gets frustrated when he can't.

When people look at my family, it is sometimes silly that they think that they see everything. Yes, Tony and I are not married, but that doesn't mean that we don't have the partnership. There are plenty of marriages out there where the woman or the man does everything and their spouse does nothing. We may not be married, but that doesn't make us any less "Mom and Dad". Just because we only have one child, doesn't mean we don't know what it is like to have multiple kids. Our child can be fine one minute, then have a major melt down and destroy the house the next second. It takes both of our brains together to help Alex with what he needs. To me, Tony and I share a bond that goes far beyond what some piece of paper proclaims. We have an understanding that we will both be there for each other, have each other's back, and be grateful for one another every day. We are grateful that we have Alex in our lives, because he is different, just like we are. We all fit together, like the puzzle pieces were made for each other. We didn't let Autism change how we felt about each other, but it did make us evaluate how we are as parents, and what Alex needs from us. As we move forward in this adventure, the three of us are going to continue to have each other's backs. With the closing of this year, we look forward to the changes that this next year brings, and we will always be thankful for everything we have, especially everything we have in each other.

First Field Trip, A Success!

Well, today was an epic day in the life of our little social creature. This morning, we went on his school field trip to the Children's Museum in La Crosse, and what a time he had! His favorite was the models of the Mississippi River, and the changes it went through by having dams put in. He collected all of the boats and sent them down the river, and then he made them go through each dam individually. His second favorite thing was the massive train table, and he and I both agreed that he and Grandpa would have a great time with one if only they could talk Grandma into letting them have one.

He also had fun pretending to be a fire fighter, and driving the fire truck. He would turn the lights on and off, and make driving noises as he was steering the wheel. He was ready to put out some fires, except he didn't want to wear the hat.

This is a pretty big thing for him. A new place, with some new people, and he had a blast! This place was made for him, with all of the things to do, the lights, the action, and of course, I was there with him!

After the museum, he got to stay at school and have lunch with his friends. He tried pineapple chunks, but thought they were too tangy for his taste. He ate his peanut buttered bagel, his cheese sticks, and of course his french fries. He had some party snacks this afternoon, and his teachers said he had a blast today! This is a good sign for the testing of how he is going to do when he has to stay at school the whole day, which we are going to try this spring. A couple of days he will go in and experience what it is like to be a Kindergartner, and learn what is going to be expected of him once he is past Preschool. I am sure, however, that he is up to the challenge!

His interest in books is growing, so I found this app for my phone that is a phonics game with a turtle. His name is Tommy, and you can have him walk across the letters to have them sounded out fast, slow, or in the middle. Alex really likes this game, and likes sounding out the letters. This is a great way to get him starting to read! I told him that once he learns how to read, I am positive that he will be smarter than I am in no time, because he will read anything! I also have this feeling that once he starts to read, his language will get better because he will be exposed to so much more language, and that he will begin to understand more words much easier and better too. And then both Tony and I better be prepared for some serious talking!

Since I have Winter Break and I am going to be doing some studying on my days off, I got Alex an art supply set so that he can do some projects (since he won't have school until January 2nd) while I do studying. He is going to work on some Christmas cards (but people will get them post-Christmas, because I am slow like that), and then he will probably make a book with me. We will work on more phonics stuff, cutting and gluing things (and we hope that Daddy doesn't come home to find us glued together).

All three of us want to wish all of you out there who read this babbling a happy holiday season. Alex is excited for presents, I am excited for the break from school, and I think that even though he doesn't say it, Tony is excited that I have a break from school too (less stressed me means a better world for him :) ). I will probably post again after our family's holiday celebration and talk about how Alex did with a house full of girls, something that he should be quite accustomed to from all of the holidays he has had to put up with it though. No wonder why he says that Daddy and Grandpa are his best friends. They have to deal with all of the girls just like he does! That and, I guess, he has a pretty awesome Daddy in Tony, and my Dad is an amazing Grandpa.

From our family to yours, Happy Holidays!

Its Christmas Time, I Swear!

So our little Alexzander is making quite an impact on this year's preschool class! He has been doing great with the transitions from playing to working on their projects, and he has gotten the title of "Circle Time Police" because he will not let anyone sit idle during circle time! He is doing a wonderful job at doing all of the assigned tasks that he is given, and usually the only day they really have any problems is on Monday (but really, who among us wants to do things on Monday mornings?).

We have decided that he is going to start using people's names more. For example, the other night I told him to say good night to Tony and Erik, and he walked up to Tony and said, "Good night dad!" then walked over to Erik, looked at him a second, then said, "Good night dad?" we laughed, said "No...", so he switched it to, "Good night.... Name." We reminded him that it was "Erik", and since he has a really big love obsession with the movie "Monsters vs Aliens", he said, "Good night Derick." Close enough.

To add another chore to his chore chart, and to get Alex into feeling more like it is Christmas around here, I got him a little Christmas tree of his own to take care of. He watered it, and was really excited about it. Now we just have to make sure the cats don't eat it. There is still no snow in our valley, but once that comes and stays around, I think that Alex will be even more excited about Christmas coming. Right now, he probably thinks we are all lying to him because there is no snow on the ground... so it can't be almost Christmas!

The past week, we tried something else new. I didn't help him on to the bus this week. He was really scared one day, but for the most part he was alright just walking up to the bus and getting on. The first day, he stopped at the base of the steps, sighed, and told himself he could do it. He climbed up the steps and sat in his seat like the big boy he is, and rode to school. Such a big step for such a little guy! I am trying to make sure that he understands that he can rely on people when he needs to, but that he also has to be independent enough to do things on his own. It seems as though I am at the right point of balance between the two.

Today was a rough day for me, because I am dealing with the death of my godfather, my Uncle Phil. I cuddled with Alex and cried a bit, and he hugged me and gave me a kiss, then told me it was ok. I like how now, I can ask him simple questions and he will answer me. Like, I asked him if he thought I was a good mommy. He said, "Sure!" I asked him if he could pick any mommy in the world, would he still pick me? He looked at me and said, "Um... Yes." I am taking this as a good sign that I am doing something right. He tells me he loves me, and today while I was crying that he "loves daddy too", even though he wasn't here at the time to hear it.

In closing, I wanted to leave you with a quote from the "Always Unique Totally Intelligent Sometimes Mysterious" page from Facebook:

"Even with the increased awareness about autism, unfortunately there’s still a stigma surrounding the disorder, and it’s definitely a problem for families. Even in the best of circumstances, your life becomes very different. You’re constantly adapting, doing what you have to do just to survive, and the level of energy that effort requires is hard to imagine, if you haven’t been there. Society has no real understanding of autism, or awareness of the bizarre behaviors which are a part of the disorder. As parents we logically know that we have no reason to be ashamed of our child, but many times we feel responsible for who they are. The most important thing is to realize that autism is not tragic; our children are alive, healthy and wonderful. Our autistic children are whole, not broken and our own lives, by extension, are also whole and full of potential. Ordinary and motivated parents can overcome seemingly impossible hurdles and make an extraordinary difference in their children's lives. Autism has helped many become better families. It teaches us patience and understanding. Autism changes everything. We change the way we see ourselves, the ways we parent, our immediate future, and our long-term future. But we go on and overcome it. Every family has different experiences and outcomes, but every single one of us works hard to procure and provide something therapeutic every single day. But no matter how different it is for us, we have a lot in common too. One of the biggest things we have in common is how much we worry. We don't know what the future holds for our kids, and there is a lot to worry about."

If you have not liked this page, it is a really interesting one to read if you want to learn about autism. Until the next time I find time to write (I have finals next week, so it will probably be after that), I wish you all the best, and Alexzander says, "OH! Hello!"

So Much Excitement, So Little Time

Alexzander did a great job trick-or-treating this year, running around happily ringing people's doorbells, saying "Tricky-Treat!", and sorting out all of his candy when it was all over. He made a pretty handsome Thor, even though about halfway through our meanderings he lost his headgear (that would totally be -10 to armor stats) to Tony (+5 to armor) who wore it around, and I even managed to get a good picture of it!

Since last post, Alex's biological dad has moved away, and so now we are setting up Legal Guardianship with Tony, so that in case anything happens to me, he will be there for Alex. This has excited not only my family, but Tony's as well, because this makes Alex a part of their family. Its like, giving birth to a five year old!

This has come at a very perfect time for Alex, because he has started referring to Tony as "daddy" when he needs his attention, and it makes it so that its not confusing when I call him "Tony" to him. Now I can start using the same lingo he does, which will be strange at first, but in all honesty, Alex decided long before this happened that this is what he was going to call Tony.

We are taking a break from swimming, and we are spending this time concentrating on getting him to realize that sometimes, you have to stop playing to do some work. At school, they work on projects, and here at home, it will be things like cleaning or reading for his school reading challenge. His teacher has found that it is much easier for him if we work stepwise with him, rather than just giving him the whole task and expecting him to understand the steps. So, for example, when cleaning his room, the first thing we will pick up will be the books. Because we don't want to hurt our books. Next it will be the cars, because nobody's feet like stepping on cars in the middle of the night. After that, it will be the other toys, then blankets, and finally any clothes that may be laying around will go in the basket. He has gotten really good at undressing and making sure his clothes go in his clothes basket (that is another miracle done by Tony). We look forward to seeing how well he does with this, and hopefully he will transition into being able to do the task without needing the steps.

At school today, Viterbo hosted the 7 Rivers Research Symposium, and the keynote speaker was a lady named Meg. She is an ecologist, and when she was doing her research, she was a single mother, so she spoke about balancing her family, career, and life. Afterward, I spoke to her about Alex, and how I could use what she was talking about to help him. She first suggested that outside will be the most miraculous place for him to be, because it is quiet but yet booming with things that he can sense. By taking the time and letting him discover things one by one, he will become comfortable with it all, and then he might take things that he likes to do inside, outside. She understood that he is a very technologically driven child, meaning he likes to learn things via computers or even from his books. So she said that once he gets a grasp on outside, then he can bring things like an iPad with him outside, and he can get the healthy sunshine he needs while not stopping fueling that brain that needs to know everything. She autographed her book for me, and addressed it to him. She said her sister-in-law has and autistic son, and she said that just by me coming up and asking her about this, shows that I am really willing to do anything to help him. I told her this is very true, and that I read whatever I can about different case studies to see if I can apply anything to Alex. And before we said goodbye, she laughed, and said, "Don't forget the mud. Boys love mud." So that is where all of my money will probably be going later on in life... to buying Alex clothes because he plays in the mud too much.

This may sound silly, but I am perfectly content with everything right now. I have forgotten about the whole getting married thing, because honestly, by taking on Alex as being his own kid, Tony has showed that he loves us more than anything else in this world, and will stay with us as a part of the team. He has showed me that he is willing to be my partner, to be there by my side to help me with whatever we need. This is so much bigger than a proposal. Its so much more important to me that he shows that he doesn't just want me in his life, but that he wants Alex too, because we are a package deal. I am starting to think there is sometimes where he prefers Alex over me anyway, but that is the way its supposed to be, isn't it?

He and I have Alex's parent/teacher conference on the 22nd of this month, so I will probably update this after that. With everything that has been going on, there are times I almost feel out of breath because I am smiling so much. I have a feeling that it will just get worse, because this next semester will be a big one for me, after that Alex will start up swimming again and I will have research to do over the summer, and that will bring us to my graduation next December. At the glorious age of 26, I will be working on my Masters degree, have a beautifully gifted son, and we both will have someone there to back us up, making us happier than we have ever been.

Jabber Jaws

To put things plain and simple, Alex's language is getting so much better. Instead of his rambling and trying to catch tid-bits and having a hard time understanding him, he is now using his words and phrases he knows, repeating them when asked, and even personalizing some things when he babbles.

And boy, does he babble a lot.

For example: Sunday was his last swimming lesson (for the winter months, he will resume next spring), and he was not feeling very well. When I asked him while he was lying on the couch, not talking, if he was feeling ok, he said, "Yeah, I ok." and then when I told him to let me know if he needed something, he said, "Ok.". This may not seem like a very major thing, but it is. Before, if he was asked a question, he would just stare at you because he didn't understand what you wanted from him. He is now realizing that he follows a question with an answer, usually about himself, and he is doing wonderfully at it.

This morning, after spending the last two days with Tony, I asked him if he was ready to go to Grandpa's house. He said, "My Grandpa's house." He is personalizing the people in his life too! I never thought that I would be so proud of my child for taking ownership of things! He recognizes "mine" and "yours"!

Last night, during our family movie time, he was bugging Tony (which is normal) , and said, "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" (of course this gets to me, you know, the whole him calling Tony "dad" thing, but that isn't where I am going with this). He calls the cats by their "names", Kitty and Fat Cat, and he even made up his own song about Fat Cat. It was too cute. And he recognizes the cats as "his kitties". So many big steps!

He is starting to remember what certain words look like in his books, and when he points at them, he makes sure he reads them loudly because he is so excited. I really do think that once he gets the reading thing down, there will be no stopping him in reading anything and everything ever written.

He is so goofy, but I love him. Just like Tony- He is majorly goofy too, but I love him. Their goofiness compliments each other, and I guess my job is to be the ringleader of this circus?

"Loving Lampposts", and the Aftermath

On Sunday, I watched a movie called "Loving Lampposts". It was a documentary about a man trying to get into his autistic son's world, understand it, and see what his opinion was on it, after exploring all the different ideas (cures, causes, ect.). It was an excellent movie, and I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to know about Alex, and the man feels exactly the same way as I do about the whole situation, so you can really learn what I think about things as well. But after watching, I am thankful for many things. I am thankful that Alex does have what language he does, and uses it frequently, I am glad that even after Alex was diagnosed, it didn't hurt Tony and I's relationship (the movie said that most parents of autistic children go through a divorce, even though Tony and I are not married), and I am glad that he has Tony, myself, and his Grandpa and Grandma to be there for him and understand his quirks that no one else really does.

I do worry every day that one piece of Alex's puzzle life may one day be lost, and I am not sure how he will deal with it. I think about this because on Sunday my father turned 62, and he really is Alex's best friend. I know that it will be hard on me if I ever lose him, but Alex might not understand at first. It will be a really terrible time for him, trying to understand loss.

I know that my life is stressful on the people around it as well as me, and I am trying very hard to hurry up and finish school so that I can get a job and start contributing more to the household. After this semester is over, I will have spring semester, some classes over the summer, and then fall semester. Then, I plan on getting a full time job (hopefully in a lab somewhere) so that we can start saving so that we can make our family official. I know people may think that I want to marry Tony because "everyone is doing it" but that really isn't what it is about. He fits. He fits with Alex and I. Its not an easy job to fit with an autistic kid, let alone the workaholic/worrier/idiosyncratic mother, but he did it. And he is a great dad to Alex, just like my dad was/is to me, so now I just have to hope that we don't lose him.

Love. Its something that Alex, Tony, and I all do in different ways. While the guys are much more reserved about it, I am the one who hugs and kisses, and tells them that I love them every chance I get. Tony is much more reserved than Alex and I, where we have to kind of guess when he is trying to show us that he loves us. And Alex. He is probably the most profound in his ability to love. He has a strong sense of compassion, which he pairs with being silly, and has the ability to get pretty much anyone to fall in love with him.

Although all autistic children are different, they all have one thing in common, and that is they see the world in a different way. I think that sometimes, the rest of us need to try seeing the world as they do, so we can realize that maybe we have our priorities wrong. Maybe we need to make our lives simpler. Or maybe, if Alex were in charge of the world, everyone would have a trampoline and be required to jump everyday. That wouldn't be so bad, would it?

Alex's Barriers

Since his troubles at swimming lessons on Sunday, I have been thinking about some things regarding Alex, and I would like to put out there that this whole entry is just a hypothesis that I am thinking about, and I am not sure, really, about anything.

On Sunday, Alex has his regular swimming lessons, only this time his instructor, Miss Emily, was sick. So he had a substitute. Well, Alex doesn't like new people all that much, he prefers to keep things the same all the time if possible, especially people. Needless to say, the whole lesson time Alex was screaming at the sub, pushing her hands away and not wanting her near him, let alone talking to him or even looking at him. There was no progress made, just one big yelling match.

This is what got me to start thinking. I think that Alex dislikes having that happen to him so much, that he just kind of shuts down. After we got back from swimming, we were outside playing with his sidewalk chalk and he didn't really say much to me. When his aunt Amy came over to give him a pumpkin she picked up for him, this sort of lifted his spirits and he did talk with her for a while. But I think that he is trying so hard not to be hurt when people he expects to be around are not there, that he just sort of shuts down until something comes around to lift his spirits.

I do worry about how his dad not being around in his life at all anymore affects him. I wish he could tell me, in his own words, how his heart feels. Tony and I try our hardest to fill the gap, but I don't know if any damage has been done that we can't undo. I know there are a lot of times when Alex wants to tell me what is going on, but he doesn't have the words, and it frustrates him so much. I know he wanted to tell that sub that no, he didn't feel comfortable with her, that he didn't want to go in the pool with her, but he didn't know how. There are many times where I would gladly give up my voice so that he can have his own, his own words to express how he feels.

I was told by one of the other swimming instructors to not worry about it. I do, however, worry about it, because I want Alex to understand that just because it is a new person, that they are not going to hurt him, they just want to help.

I am not sure what I can do, if anything, to help Alex right now. We are working to help him deal with his frustration times better, and every day I look forward to reading about his day at school and what fun things he did. But at the same time, I worry, because I want Alex to have opportunities in life, and I worry that his language barrier might get in the way of that. I would love nothing more than to listen to Alex tell me stories about anything, to hear him use his own words. I know that this is the hardest part for me, is not being able to communicate, but having to relearn how to tell him things so he understands.

There are times when I know that people just really don't understand what it is like, having a child that can't just be left with a babysitter or having to plan what you are going to say to make sure that he will understand. Its not easy having a child that cries and can't just say, "Mommy, I am sad!" or "Mommy, I am frustrated!". But all I can do is just keep looking ahead, and hoping that the day will arrive when he finally can tell me what is on his mind.

Its Been Far Too Long.....

So many new things to discuss! I have been a bit busy these last couple weeks, trying to get some things done, working a lot, and trying to make sure I get ample time with my family.

The first thing I think I am going to tell you about is how well Alex is doing with his swimming (see the videos). He is finally starting to realize he can use his arms, and has been doing much better using them around his fun noodle. He has been venturing into the deep end of the pool, and his new swimming buddy, Miss Emily, follows and encourages him every step of the way. He did a great job transitioning from Miss Danielle to being taught by Miss Emily, he realized that he had a new buddy, established the boundaries, and they have been making great progress ever since. This group of swimming lessons ends the 16th of this month, and then he gets a bit of a break before the next set of lessons begins. He really enjoys it, so I am totally ok with the long drive!

The next item of importance is of course, HIS BIRTHDAY! On September 23rd, our little man turned 5 years old. We had a little family get together for him, and he got some great birthday presents. His favorite thing (other than the two trampolines he got, one for Grandpa and Grandma's house, and the other for home) that he got was from my parents, and they got him a doctor kit. He has been checking my blood pressure, listening to my heart, and I swear I have gotten more shots from him since he got that than I ever did going through chemotherapy. He has grown so much, and I can't believe that 5 years has passed so quickly.

The other day, we got the coolest thing sent home with Alex from his school. They have been working with him trying to get him to realize when he is getting angry, and how he can deal with it in a way that doesn't involve screaming or hurting anyone or himself. He has an anger thermometer, and the bottom is "relaxed" and the top is "angry". It has faces on there, showing him angry and relaxed, and so far they are having great success using it at school. Hopefully, this will help when Tony and I are trying to get him to clean his room or clean up his toys, so he doesn't get as angry.

Which brings me to my last, and probably my most important, piece of news. I am so excited to share with everyone that he is starting to use more words. He is beginning to listen more to the words that Tony and I speak, and hast started to repeat a lot of them. He is growing and becoming more of a social creature everyday! I am not going to take any credit for this, I think that most of the thanks for this should go to his wonderful teachers and to Tony. Alex has been spending a lot of time with Tony, and I see how much he looks up to him, so I know he listens to everything he says and stores it away (which may or may not be a good thing?).

I cannot express with words how proud I am of Alex. He has a heart of gold and is a good kid (most of the time). We do still have some rough patches, but they are getting less frequent and he seems to calm down faster. All we can do now is sit back and watch him grow, offering our advice and help whenever he needs it.

Our (Not So) Little Empathetic Social Creature

There are two major points for this entry that I feel as though I should cover: One being Alex's progress in school these first two weeks, and the second being Alex and Tony's budding relationship.

First: School.

Alex has begun to realize that this year, Preschool is quite a bit different. He is expected to stop playing and transition from playing to having to complete different tasks, and this was a little bit difficult for him. His teacher wrote to me in his notebook saying that he did get mad when he was expected to do this, but it didn't last long. Basically he is learning that with play, you have to work also. This is something that I really want him to always be shown so that he begins to understand how important this value is. Work before play makes the play so much better!

Another thing that I have noticed is that his language is getting a bit better. He is answering a few more questions with suitable answers, and he seems like he "with" us more. Meaning, he is less in his own world now, and more in ours, listening to us and paying attention to the world around him. I look forward to watching this expand throughout the school year, with the help of his new speech therapist and everyone in his class.

The most touching thing that happened while he was at school this past week, however, was him showing an amazing capacity for empathy. Monday, when they were on their way outside for recess, Alex saw a little boy that tripped and he was sitting on the ground crying. He stopped going to the playground and got down on the ground next to him, looked into his face, and patted him on the back. This made the other boy feel better and then they both went outside to play. When I read that, the first thing I wanted to do is hug Alex so hard. I did go into his room and have a small chat with him. I told him what he did and told him how proud I was of him for doing this. I told him that caring about others is very important, because this is how you build important relationships with others. So often, people will look the other way because they are so wrapped up in their own lives. Seeing that Alex has this already in place in his heart is making my heart feel like it will burst with pride.

Which brings me to the second topic of this entry: Alex and Tony's relationship.

Last night, when I came home from school (it was about 9 pm), the floor was clean, and Alex was watching some Yo Gabba Gabba. When I put him to bed, Tony said that Alex always listened when it was just the two of them, but when I was there, he seemed to put up a fight. That night, he told Alex to pick up his toys, and when he looked at the floor again, all of the toys were gone, put in the box on the table neatly.

I didn't fully process this information until I was laying in bed a bit later, and I realized why it was that way. Yet another thing Alex gets from me, is how he views the father figure in his life. All I want in my life is for my dad to be proud of me, and I think Alex is starting to get that same way. He wants Tony to be proud of him, and so he acts differently when it is just the two of them. He listens to Tony and looks up to him, and he is very important to Alex. I think, in his own way, Alex loves Tony. He is really starting to look at him as "daddy", and I would like to go so far as to say I think Tony goes so far as to see Alex as his son. Even though our life is not that black and white (or, I suppose, Black and Greene in our case?), and I know that there are going to be times when Alex's biological father comes and goes, I think that Alex will realize that Tony is the stable figure in his life, and hopefully, Alex will aspire to be that way too.

I have had to realize these past two weeks that my little man is growing up quickly. He is doing fabulously with his swimming lessons, doing so well in school, and continuing to make progress every day. There are some days when I have to think, "How can anyone choose not to be around this little man?"

A Mind Like No Other

It has come to my attention how uplifting even getting one positive comment about yourself a day can be. This morning, on my drive to work, I was deep in thought about how much I hoped Alexzander enjoyed his first day of school, how much stuff I had to do this week, and when I was going to be able to fit in things like laundry and dishes. When I called one of my favorite cousins, Stacey, she and I had another conversation that my boss likes to call "A conversation to solve all the world's problems", and she said how much she likes my writing and how she thinks I should write a book because of my incessant rambling on here. After I hung up the phone with her, I realized that there are times where I kind of downplay how difficult things can be on me emotionally.

Being a parent can make a person feel cut off from their friends, or even from their own spouse, when your every thought can be consumed by that one little being that you helped to create. For me, I have two things going against me: One, I am the only parent of Alex's in his life right now, and my child has autism. Children usually like to be around other people, however Alex is not really that way all the time. He has a difficulty being around a lot of people for parties or family functions, which makes us even more cut off from other beings.

Not to mention I still have difficulty defining Alex and Tony's relationship in my mind. I am Alex's parent, however I find that I am not ok with just relying on Tony to always be there to be the other parent. I feel that is taking advantage of him, expecting him to be a dad to a child that isn't his. So there is a constant battle in my mind of whether I am pushing it too far by having Alex stay with him on his days off, or asking him to pick him up from my parents, or even just helping out. This unsure feeling extends to Tony's family, where I often feel like Alex and I should just be "at arm's length", because we don't technically "belong". I think it would be disrespectful of me to them just to think that Alex and I are welcome all the time, let alone be considered "members". To me, it would be the easy way out to just push my way in, and expect them to be there for me just because I am with him. But I don't think that is right. I would not just drop my son on his mom and expect her to watch him... she isn't his family. I think that if I have made my way this far on my own, I think I can handle going further and not leaning on people who never asked for me or Alex to be in the picture in the first place.

And on top of all of this, I have stress up the wahzoo. Yes, that is a technical term.

I have homework, studying, a job, deadlines to remember, a house to maintain, extracurricular activities to fit in, a family to think about, and best friends that I at least have to talk to (or try to talk to) every six months. I have been told that I should not complain, because I bring this all on myself, so that is why this has not come up until now. I am not saying this to try to get pity, but instead I want people to understand where I come from. What I study... its not easy. I am a Science major, studying for my GRE (the test to take to get into Grad School). With every life decision comes certain sacrifices, and the sacrifices that I make for Alex's, Tony's, and my own future is usually getting rid of my own ways to have fun (or at least altering them). I barely see my best friend, I have learned how to have fun while studying, I have learned how to clean my house while studying, and I have learned that even five minutes that I get to cuddle with Alex should be a major thing.

I am 25 years old, so now I am going through what the professionals call a "quarter life crisis", meaning I am getting angry all the time because even though I am on my way to accomplishing a lot, I really have not completely accomplished all that much. And the wait... is killing me. I am watching people my age get married and have babies, and I want nothing more than to be able to just drop everything and breathe. Those life changing events have been put on hold for me, because I have a life to develop.

Now, take all of these rather normal feelings of uncertainty, and twist them up tighter because of the whole "being a cancer survivor" thing, and then add on that my child has autism. There are things that I am physically unable to do, and my body looks like it has been ripped apart by a giant beast. I can have all of these feelings in a matter of hours. I have scars, mental and physical. But I put it all behind me because of this one little man, the being that I created so I would not have to be alone, so that I could know and understand what unconditional love is. He needs me, to help him learn and grow. He needs me to test my very creativity coming up with new ideas as to how to help him understand the world around him. He needs me to show him how to love, and be loved in return. I have to show him that hard work pays off.

I have said it before, and I will say it again. I am far from perfect. I am not the soccer mom that drives a van and listens to alternative rock. I drive a black Chevy Cobalt, listen to my rock music too loud, play video games when I have some spare time, my favorite book is Alice in Wonderland, and I love a guy who is a lot like me. I am my own special twist on the word "mom", and I do get looked at funny for it. But I try my best, and when I get a little bit of positive reinforcement, I can go miles with it.

Having an autistic child isn't easy. But if you look at it in the right way, it can be a blast, even if you have an ever wandering mind like mine.

Last Summer Swim Practice

Alex has now graduated from swimming just one on one with Miss Danielle to having a peer join him for his Fall Lessons. He did extremely well this evening, and is starting to enjoy figuring out how to keep himself floating in the deep water. He had a huge smile on his face as he was kicking around, didn't fuss when we put his floaties on his back, and gladly gave up his fun-noodle and attempted to float with just his back floaties. He also learned how to jump feet first into the deeper water, holding on to two hands, then he got really brave and learned how to jump holding just one hand. There was no fuss this time, absolutely none, when we changed from doing one thing to another, and he actually wanted to stay in the deep end even when Miss Danielle offered to let him over into what we called his "comfort zone".

Danielle and I had a great conversation about what we think would be best for him in the fall, and we both decided that a great idea is having him team up with a peer so they can learn things not only from Miss Danielle, but also from each other. She also believes that he will be ready, by the end of the next set of seven weeks, to test for being a Level 1 swimmer, because he has already got a lot of the basics that he needs down. For his age, she said she thinks he is doing fantastically, and I completely agree. Everyone, the lady in charge of Adapted Aquatics, the teachers, even the parents who have their children there too, say that they are so amazed that just seven weeks ago, this same little boy was screaming his head off because he didn't want to go in the water. Now if only we can get his Grandma to learn how much fun the water can be...

I would also like to thank him for being a wonderfully behaved little boy for Grandpa today. This morning, at 6 am, my father called me so I could come over and give him a shot with his Epi-Pen because he was stung by a bee while feeding his birds (crazy old bird man). When Alex got up, I sat him down and told him that his beloved best friend, Grandpa, was not feeling the best, and that he needed to be EXTRA good for him. He needed to be his nurse and NOT let him go outside. Alex did just that. Apparently when Grandpa did go outside, Alex got his shoes on and started going after him. But he was back inside by the time Alex got to the door. I could only imagine the butt chewing Alex would have done.

We still have some struggles, and I am reminded of them every once in a while. Like how he doesn't understand parties, and how he doesn't like having a lot of people around him. This past weekend at my niece's baptism was a prime example of him still having times that are not the easiest for him. However, those are becoming more and more of a rare thing, because I have learned how to better help him adjust, how to respond to him, and what good and bad situations are for him to be in. I don't write this blog to get pity from people, nor do I want to make other parents of autistic children feel bad if their child is more affected by it. I just want to use this as a tool for myself to talk me through things with Alex, and I also want it to be something that helps the people around Alex understand him better. Alex doesn't need people to treat him differently, but rather understand that what he sees and what he experiences is different than other children. Instead of just thinking he has some sort of discipline issue, this blog helps people to understand that when he lashes out it is the only way he knows how to communicate the fact that he is uncomfortable. He has words, but he doesn't have the ones he needs connected to certain things yet. But he will get there, I promise. Even Miss Danielle said this evening that she firmly believes that there is NOTHING that he can't do, if he just takes the time to learn it.

Countdown to School Continues

Sorry it has been a few days. Life has been happening.

Alex has done a marvelous job the last few swimming sessions that we have gone to. He can now kick his way across the pool without the floaties on his back, however we are trying to get him to calm down when he is in the deeper water so he can realize that he can float. This last time, Danielle was floating him on his back and managed to get him calmed down by singing to him. But when we put him in the deep water with his fun noodle, he still whines and expresses his want to go to the other, more shallow end of the pool. He knows he can touch with his feet there, and I think he thinks that means he can have more fun. However, once he realizes that he can swim and stay afloat in the deeper water if he just calms down, then I think teaching him how to swim will be much easier.

With the summer coming to a close rapidly, I am finding I am getting a little depressed about some of the things I wanted to accomplish with him but did not have the chance to. His pencil grip still needs work, because he doesn't hold it properly, and I think he would have an easier time writing if he did. However, being stubborn is definitely something he is good at (I know, he gets it from mom), and so he thinks his way is the best way. I think, though, that my key to beating that might be with his sidewalk chalk. Last week, Aunt "Bill", Thea Aspenson, my best friend, came over and we sat outside and drew on the sidewalk. He had a great time, as did we, and he liked showing her that he mastered the letter R. So I think the more dates we have like that, hopefully we can con him into holding the chalk our way, instead of his way.

I find that there are times where I wish he understood me. I wish that instead of freaking out, he would understand what I am saying and stay calm. Its hard to calm him down when he starts freaking out, and a lot of the time I am scared he will hurt himself. He is so much better around a lot of people, and since I haven't wanted to spend much time at home lately and have brought him with to a lot of different places, he has started to not want to be home much either. Sadly, many things stand in my way of having a place that is big enough for him to run around and exhaust himself from having fun. My dream of building my own house was brought up yesterday and even though it was not a part of the conversation, I was thinking about how much space I wanted for Alex just so he could have a lot of room to be comfortable. I want him to have a big bedroom with a lot of things he loves, like books and cars. But then I know that with that dream life, I will be taken away from him so that I can work a bunch to pay for it all. Although this dream house may be a few years away, I find that I now am faced with the delicate balance that many other parents are faced with: How to make enough money and still be there for your child.

Everyone deserves a place where they can relax, and un-stress themselves. What I thought was going to be a lazy summer has turned out to be quite different. But I have learned that I cannot show that to Alex, because he knows how mommy is feeling, and if I am having a bad day, so is he. I love, though, how he tries to make it better, by making funny faces and sticking his face in mine and smiling. He has a great heart.

Swimming, Boxer Troubles, and Kitties are NOT Supposed to Fly

A few things happened this afternoon that I feel the need to tell you all about. Hopefully some of you will laugh about it and be extremely happy for him like I have. Ok. Here we go:

First- Swimming lessons. He did an amazing job today. He was used to the water right away this time, and started to wander around the pool rather than just stay in his corner. We couldn't get him to calm down and try to float on his back, even after watching me do it. He kept freaking out like we were going to drop him. So then we decided to get his attention off of that for a bit and Danielle got him to splash with his feet, do some simple strokes with his hands, and then, she tricked him into floating around the pool with a fun noodle. She strapped some floaties on his back and put his arms over the fun noodle, then stranded him in the deep part of the pool. The only way he could get to where he wanted to go was to kick his feet and swim. He did magnificently. It was brilliant. And then when he got to a point where he could almost touch the bottom, she moved him back to the deep part of the pool and he had to do it all over again. The look on his face was marvelous. He was concentrating on where he wanted to go, and was kicking his legs like crazy. He was so enveloped in focus that when he got to the other side the last time, a smile burst across his face like he knew he did something amazing. We cheered him on, and he even cheered himself on by saying "I can do it! I can do it!". Danielle said she will do this with him again next week, so hopefully I will have some pictures to share.

Then, when we were on our way home, we stopped for his celebratory chicken nuggets and for some reason, he didn't want them. This was odd to me, but when I handed him his drink, he drank it all in less than a block. Apparently swimming makes the little man have massive thirst.

And finally, when we got home, he stripped out of his swimming trunks and went to put on his boxers (all by himself, because of course, he is practically a man now that he swam across the pool four or five times) and missed one of the leg holes. Now he is running around the house with both legs through one leg hole and the other leg hole is dangling behind him.

I know that not everyone can dwell in how cute my child is, but surely everyone can appreciate that he has definitely gotten his mom's silliness. For right now, however, I have to go, because Alex is trying to be like Tony and toss the cats around....

End of Summer Coming Closer

I had some time this afternoon to stop and get Alex's school supply shopping done so that I am not in a rush to do it later. Besides, we have my school supplies that I need to think about too, so I don't want to be in a financial crunch later because I put off buying things when I could. The only thing I have left to get him is his clothing and shoes for school, but I figure I can wait until a little bit closer to the time so any growing that he does before the end of summer will not leave me with another pile of pants to give to the next boy in the family.

I realized that this next week is his last week of baseball practice, and even though he has had a bit of a rough time with it, he has learned that he really enjoys watching his peers and enjoys being part of a team. Next Thursday he will get a certificate for being on the team, which of course I will frame and put up on the wall, and they are going to have a little party. Being on the Miracle League Team has shown me that Alex doesn't really see any difference between the kids around him, whether they are disabled or not. However, he did take a particular interest in one of his teammates named Jonas, because he has a walker and tie-dyed braces on his legs, just like Alex's Aunt Bill (Thea Aspenson)!

His swimming lessons will continue until the end of summer, so there will still be updates on his progress (or hope of progress) as that continues. He will even have swimming lessons during the school year, just because it is something that we both enjoy doing together. But with school for both of us looming ever closer, I find myself wondering about the progress that he will make this year. Will he take leaps and bounds forward like he did last year? Will he finally conquer the fine art of holding a pencil properly so that he may begin to write words and his name? How will his vocabulary progress? And most importantly: Will he get over his fear of butterflies?

I can't help but want to give a big hug to Abbie, the Inclusion Specialist at the YMCA in La Crosse and Onalaska. She is so patient with all of the kids and understands each one's boundaries and respects them, while pushing them just a little bit. She has helped me to understand that it is ok to push Alex sometimes, because he does not fully understand some things that he might actually enjoy if he tries them.

While I am drowning in my classes like Physics, Organic Chemistry, and Microbiology, it is nice to take some time and just practice letters and sing songs. Next year when he is working on spelling simple words, I will be doing research and mastering Biochemistry, and then moving on to Blood Splatter patterns and Forensic Anthropology. How wonderful will it be to take the time from my day to make sure that he knows F-A-T C-A-T spells Fat Cat's name?

I know I am far from a perfect parent, and will never pretend that I am, but I do know that I am doing ok. I try not to smother him, but yet I keep a close eye on everything from what he is doing in school to how his day was with Grandpa. I pay attention to the things he is comfortable with, and I get just as sad when I have to go to work and leave him instead of play.

Oh, Alex, how mommy would love to just stay home and play all day. But I have to continue, because I want to provide the best opportunities possible for you. One day this will all pay off... and maybe you and Tony can have a puppy.

Conquering the Fear

Today at Alex's swimming lessons, things started much like they were last week. Screaming, his toes digging into my legs because he wanted to leave the water, and I was hoping that by getting him into the water 15 minutes before his lesson actually started, that it would help to calm him down a bit. We also brought Erik this time and let him come into the water with us.

When his teacher Danielle came into the water, there was more screaming. She tried a lot of different things, and then finally twisted him in her arms so his back was to her chest, and she let his legs float there. He was still freaking out for a while, but she gradually brought him over to where the water was more shallow, and before we knew it, Alex was walking around in the pool all by himself!

He started to get more confident and went over to the 3 1/2 feet deep area, and was holding on to the side. He did really well, considering at the start of the session he did not want to let go of Danielle or I. He was splashing by the end, and his normal 45 minute session turned into an hour and a half in the pool! So now that he is calm in the water, and realizes that his teacher nor I will let him drown, we can now start teaching him how to float on his back and eventually swim. Since he is ok with his teacher, I don't necessarily have to be in the water with him anymore, so I hope to take some pictures of my little fish next week at his next lesson.

However, tomorrow he has baseball practice, and I worry that with his new love of the pool that he will not be so excited about baseball. I am going to try to tell him that if he does well at baseball then we might take some time out and go to the pool. He ate twice the amount of food he normally does for supper (which isn't very much anyway), so I am happy that he has found something that he enjoys, even if it is going to make baseball a little more difficult.

As I was watching him in the pool, I felt sad because I realized that (other than Erik), I was the only one there as a parent figure that was overwhelmingly proud of him. Considering how much his grandmother dislikes water, and the screaming that he did before he got used to it, my heart was bursting with pride watching him smile and play. Only the promise of chicken nuggets and chocolate milk got him out of the pool. I realized that I would never let anything come between me and seeing him do things like he did today. I could never let anything come in the way of watching him interact with his peers and grow in his own way.

For a child that has sensory issues, getting used to a new feeling like floating in water is very tough. He has to learn how to stay calm even though he is not used to the feeling, he has to get used to the fact that he needs to let go of things that are "safe" like mom, Danielle, or the side of the pool if he wants to learn how to swim. He had to learn how to trust us, even in the most uncomfortable situation. And he did an amazing job overcoming all of that. Alex is indeed, a very brave boy.

I would like to just say that the YMCA in Onalaska has a priceless person in Danielle. She has just as many bruises from him as I do, was bit, and scratched, these last two lessons. And she stuck with Alex, and was amazing in every way. She knew how to handle him, and I could not have asked for a better buddy helping Alex through this very tough obstacle. Hopefully, Alex gets to have Danielle in the fall, because I am totally going to continue his lessons year around.

Location: Wisconsin, US, North America, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy

Alex is learning two very different things now. We are working on naming the parts of the body like eyes, nose, mouth, ears, cheeks, chin, and others, so that when he hurts something, he can tell me what hurts. He is doing a good job with the different parts of his face, but when it comes to the other parts, he doesn't really care. Unless its his toes or his big stinky feet. Then he is excited to show people them. So far, he usually hurts his face the most (running into things when he gets too hyper) so I guess this is at least a step in the right direction.

The other thing we have been looking at is the planets. I got him a planet book when he was in school from his book orders, and right away he didn't want to have anything to do with it. Recently, he started looking through it, and we have read it at least a million times. He is mainly focused on trying to remember the order that the planets go in, Mercury through Neptune (blast you International Astronomical Union! Pluto will always be a planet in my heart!) and the book states a one sentence fact about each planet. When I tried to tell Alex that Earth is where we lived, I think the concept was a little too awesome (in the traditional sense of the word) for him to comprehend. So I told him our address, told him we live in Wisconsin, which is in the United States, which is a part of North America, which is in the North and West Hemispheres on planet Earth. I think before I take this much further, I should go get my globe from my parent's house.

Now, its raining here, and he rather enjoys when we open the window for a second and get rained on. There is nothing about storms that scare him, so he is watching the lightning and hearing the thunder from the storm and loves it. He sings his "Rain, rain, go away" song that he learned in school, but there are times where the rain is almost therapeutic for him, which is no surprise because I love it too. I think I might have to try to explain to him the ideas about how rain happens, and why we hear the thunder after the lightning. I am glad that I have a scientific background broad enough to explain these kinds of things to him, so that when he gets to the point where he asks questions about why the sky is blue, I can give him a truthful answer, rather than mumble and tell him that he will find out later at school.

I question everyday whether I am doing things right when it comes to Alex. He is the most important person in my life, and I want to make sure that I do not mess up so that it makes things worse on him. He still gets sad when I have to go to work, but I am trying to teach him that me going to work should make our time together that much more special. Last night we sat on the couch and read together, I read to him what I was reading (my Women and Religion textbook) and then I read to him what he was reading (his planets book). I try to do my best and incorporate him into every aspect of my life so he is aware of the different things that I do, and learns how to do them himself (he helps with laundry, sometimes helps with cooking, and he is still totally against helping me clean).

It makes me excited to see what he will learn and when. I still am waiting to figure out whether he really knows how to read yet or not, and I cannot wait for the time when he is comfortable with a pencil so we can work on his writing skills. Right now, he is not comfortable holding the pencil correctly, and it makes him too frustrated to get very far with him. So we just have to take it slow, and when he comes around to it, I will have boatloads of words to show off.

Future Big Brother In Need Of A Daddy

Even after my niece Megan was born in February, it still amazes me how much Alex likes babies. With both of the new babies (Leah, my brother's daughter, and Megan, my sister's daughter) at my brother's house yesterday, Alex didn't want to play with them at first, because everyone was around them. Once the crowd thinned down, he came over and started giving them both kisses and hugs, and holding their hands. He knows he has to be gentle, and he gives them hugs and kisses when they cry.

I know he will be an amazing big brother when Tony and I get to the point where we are ready to have more kids. He shows care and compassion, and is concerned for each of the girls individually, trying to make sure that both were ok.

But before we think about having other children, I have to deal with custody of Alex. I am trying to get sole custody, because being with his father is not what is best for Alex. I am not saying this to be mean, but it is the truth. Alex's biological father does not have a stable life, a roof over his own head let alone one for Alex, and has some psychological problems that he denies that he has to deal with. Because an autistic child needs stability, above all else, I am trying to get the ball rolling so I can get sole custody of Alex. I already practically do, because I am the one that his doctors, teachers, and coaches know. They have never met his dad. His dad has given many excuses as to why he cannot meet these very influential people in Alex's life, but that doesn't make up for it. This is going to be a long, hard, stressful battle, but one day I hope Alex sees that what I did was what was best for him. He needs a dad he can rely on to go to his baseball games, to provide for him, and to be there for him even if it is inconvenient, because that is what dads do. That is what parents do for their children. They put their children and their needs above and beyond their own. Alex needs a dad who understands that he is a little different, and still loves him. A dad that he can understand and respect.

I doubt that Alex will be torn up about losing his biological dad, just because he hasn't really been there for Alex since he was about a year old. He has me, and his grandparents, who have always been there. He knows we will be there for him. And now, he has Tony, who he looks up to. Alex will always know that his real dad is someone else, but he gets to choose who he wants to call dad. I hope this all goes well for us, so that Alex can continue to have the best opportunities available to him.

Baseball Blues

Yesterday was not the best day at Alex's baseball practice.

Being a parent means that you have to get used to frustrations, but when your child is not used to engaging in new things, and prefers to be by himself rather than with his teammates, it is difficult. What is even more hard is when other parents don't really understand why Alex doesn't want to have anything to do with their children. Its not the other children's fault, Alex just prefers to be around the people that he already knows. He wants to do things his own way, on his own time, and that is something that is very difficult to break him of.

Alex likes the little town that he lives in, because it is what he is used to. He loves his family, his friends, and even my co-workers, because not only are they who he is used to, but because they accept him for who he is and just basically let him be himself. Alex can sit there during one of my crew meetings and listen while he reads his books, and he enjoys it, but when we try something like baseball, he clams up again.

It is hard because he yells when he does not want to do something, and at baseball practice there is a lot of yelling. The volunteers that help are good at trying to get him to engage in play with them, but he still is not sure of his surroundings enough to be comfortable with that. It would help if he would go more than once a week, but alas I have no control over what his father chooses to do with him on Thursday, the other day he has practice during the week. I drive 45 minutes to become frustrated trying to get him to understand that this is fun, and it is something that he likes. The other 45 minute drive back home is devoted to me trying to calm myself down because I know that no matter what, he needs this. He needs to keep doing this if there is going to be any progress made.

My son is different. And that does make things harder on me, on the people who love him and want to see him succeed, but at the same time it makes it so that I can't just pretend like nothing is wrong and use the same parenting methods that my parents used on me. Its hard to get people to realize that we are not "anti-social" because we want to be, it is just what makes Alex the most comfortable. And when he is comfortable, that is the window of opportunity that we have to get through to him.

He still lines up his cars, sings at random times, and prefers to sit and read to himself more than almost anything else. He loves to go for rides in the car, because it is soothing to him, and above all else, he likes his life in this little town.

This Father's Day, I think it essential that I give a shout out to the two fellas in Alexzander's life that have been there for him no matter what, and continue to be there to help him in his quest to understand the world. Both my father and Tony have helped to make my child into who he is today: The fun-loving, charismatic, and simply amazing child who just happens to be autistic. He loves both of them, and watches them when they don't know it so that he makes sure his mimic of them is as close to the real thing as possible.

We will start with my father. He was so excited when Alex was born because finally he had another guy to be with. To date, my father has five granddaughters, and just Alex in the grandson category. He loves all of his grand-kids, but he has a special place for Alex, because they are so much alike. Not only do they have the same facial expressions, but they also both have the tendency to think like old men, needing to read the newspaper, looking at deals in the Menards flier, and making sure they get the tough stuff done before they get to play. My father has taught my son how to navigate the back roads throughout our whole county, know which day to go get fresh cheese curds (because Alex likes them best when they are fresh, and doesn't like to share), and has encourage Alex in his love of trains and cars by making sure he had a car collection to rival any other kid's. I never really had a grandpa, my father's father died before I was born and my mother's father died when I was young (and I can barely remember him), so watching the bond that my father has with Alex is pretty amazing. Alex's favorite place to be is with grandpa on the recliners at his house, reading and drinking water, preparing for the next "Grandpa Attack". When I was younger, my father was someone that you didn't cross, because he kept the fear in you to keep you in line. With Alex, he had to have a different approach, and now it is almost like they share their own language. I know Alex is grateful for his grandpa every day, because without him, who would help him off the bus and make sure that his water bottle is always full?

Then he has Tony. Tony is a lot like my father when it comes to discipline, because he knows what Alex knows and when Alex tries to so wrong, Tony is quick to intervene. Just recently, with the help of a sprinkler, I think Tony finally realized the effect he has on Alex, and how much he looks up to him. After all, who else could teach him how to catch the sprinkler water in his mouth and spit it at mom? Alex watches him dance in the car, and then mimics him, Alex will put on his shoes and wander around the house when he is gone. Though they haven't quite figured out how to efficiently communicate with one another, they are both learning. I know Alex gets frustrated when he wants to tell him something, and it causes Alex to freak out. But like most guys, they bond by physically tormenting each other, and tormenting me. I don't think that either Tony or myself thought that we would have to deal with such a big change so early in our relationship, but he stepped up when Alex was diagnosed and didn't ditch us. There are not very many guys in this world who would date a woman with a child, let alone a child with special needs, even less so would date a woman with a child with a special need that people know so little about. But he stayed with us, and I don't think he will ever understand how much that means to Alex and I. Its easy to walk away, yeah, but staying is where the adventure is. I hope that later in Alex's life, I can remind him of this and when he wants to just give up, I will say that Tony didn't give up on him, so why does he think he can just give up on himself?

For as much as all of us try to teach Alex, he teaches us things right back. He has taught me patience, understanding, and that as much as I would like to, I can't plan for the future all the time. He learns from these men and I hope that when he grows up, he is just as great of a man, just as great of a daddy, and when the time comes, an amazing grandpa, just like he has.

Sidewalk Chalk

Few things in life are as simply amazing as a child taking a piece of chalk and drawing to his heart's content on a slab of cement. Not only does this bring the child joy, but if the adult were to do the same, the joy would then be shared and a lovely piece of artwork is created. Alexzander and I are lucky that we have a long stretch of sidewalk by our house, one that we have been given permission to beautify. A long row of letters and number stretch across about four of the slabs, and 1-20 is written on the opposite side. We drew pictures like "baseball" and "flower", wrote the names of the people in our family so he could recognize the names. He picked up every color and smiled as he drew lines and circles, and when he could, he identified the color he was using.

52 colors in the box, and the strip of sidewalk in front of Tony's car looks fabulous. This lead to a two hour nap, many slices of cheese and crackers eaten, and three or four juice pouches drank dry. When I was watching him, I felt that wish grow stronger, the one that is deep inside that is just wanting the thing that he will easily communicate with others with to come out. He has a lot going on in that little head, and I know there are times when he wants to share. There are times he wants to tell me what he wants, what he needs, but gets frustrated because he can't figure out the words.

He gets so excited when he sees things that he knows the word for, and will not calm down until you say the word too. "Butterfly" is his most favorite, and when we went to the flower shop today, he saw wind chimes with a butterfly on it. If only I had more money, I would buy one for him so that he could listen to it chime as the butterfly wings went up and down.

Alexzander starts baseball tomorrow, and once he gets used to that I am going to start taking him to the pool so he gets used to water before he starts swimming lessons. I don't know what that thing will be that he excels at, but I do know that he has the ability to have fun with anything once he gets the hang of it, and that is really something that all of us can look at and learn from. When I think about complaining because of all of the chapters I have to read for class, I remember that he is trying so hard to learn the words so he can start reading himself, because he loves books almost as much as he loves his mommy.

Before I end this post, I just want to put up a link to the Autism Awareness Shop, because I have found some amazing wedding gifts from there and I am excited that a portion of the proceeds benefits autism awareness. There are also different causes on the top tab, so you can choose which store you would like to shop. Give it a look, it is definitely worth your time!

https://www.theautismsite.com/store/site.do;jsessionid=B90EE0EB5D14942819DEA8D8D20407F5.store-b?siteId=346

Who Needs Sensitivity Training?

So this post might be a little controversial, but a certain discussion has led me to believe that it is something that should be addressed. Everyone knows that I love my son, with all of my heart. There is nothing that I would not do for that little boy, not a galaxy I would not cross, not a cost that is too high. But when it comes to preparing him for what is out in the world, I find that a key lesson that my darling Tony taught me seems to be just what the doctor ordered: If he can not learn how to laugh at himself, then he will not have the proper self confidence to deal with bullies when they come along.

For those of you who know my family, know how we are, if we like you, then we will joke with you, and make fun. This is how it is in our community that I grew up in, how my parents are, how my siblings are, how all of my friends are, how the love of my life is. If I teach Alex that it is ok to be sensitive, I am setting him up for a lifetime of pain because -NEWSFLASH- not everyone in the world is nice all of the time.

Yes, this is written in defense of myself for something that someone said about me. I am not going to change who I am because of some oversensitive, religious (which is where I think the oversensitivity comes from) fanatic, who doesn't understand jokes, and gets mad at people -ONLINE-. I swear, if I got as offended as quickly as this person did, there is no WAY I would have been able to handle WoW, let alone excelled at it. It has shown me that I am definitely proud of who I am enough to handle jokes, I have enough self confidence to not be -THAT- way. I will continue to be this way so my son learns and is not one of the weak, whiny youth that (are rather annoying) cannot defend themselves.

My son has learned when people are joking with him. Everyone who loves him doesn't make fun of his different ability, but rather when he does something that is not normal to the rest of us, we call him goofy or silly. Just because it is not something we ourselves understand, that doesn't mean that he doesn't. He is being taught how to respect himself enough to make fun of himself, and respect others by us showing him where the lines are. Verbal boundaries are very important to teach him, because of his issues with language and how he understands things differently than we all do.

This is not me making excuses for who I am, but rather standing up for who I am and showing that it will do good, that it will help the one who matters most in my life. So make judgement on my character all you want, but in the end, I know I am right. :D

Lets Give Him Something To Talk About

Thankfully it seems as though the politeness fairy has come along and hit Alex with her wand recently. He has been saying things like "Please" and "No thank you", even when he really does want what the person is asking. He is starting to request more things in ways that people can understand, while not completely losing his independence and being able to get things that he knows where they are.

I am hoping that with the activities I have planned for his summer, that he will continue to use his own words to talk with people, rather than phrases from things that they may not understand. I got in contact with the horse trainers and they said that he will be learning how to ride and care for the horse like it is his own animal, so that he can create a bond with the animal.

The last two nights he has stayed with his Aunt Amy at her house. From what I have been hearing, he has been a good kid, but didn't want to get out of his jammies. I told her it is like he is getting a vacation, where he doesn't have to worry about mom or Tony, he just gets to be a kid playing with Amy's puppies and relaxing. He had to stay with her because I had my tonsils taken out on Monday, and it hurts a lot, making it very difficult for me to talk. I am glad he has been a good kid for her, and this may mean that he gets a present when he comes home.

I am hoping that for Autism Awareness Month (April), I can get something organized through my work to bring this issue to the community around us. There are a lot of things about Autism that people don't understand, or things that they have heard some celebrity (I strongly despise you, Jenny McCarthy) state as being fact when really it is bullshit. Sometimes people can't get their heads around the fact that we just don't know what causes autism, but since they need to put the blame somewhere, they end up hurting more than helping. By just accepting that we don't know what caused it, but it is here, is sometimes the best thing you can do. Not everyone is cut out to be a researcher, because too many people want answers NOW. That is just not possible. Vaccines didn't cause autism, as much as people want to blame it on them. Alex is still at the age where he doesn't understand what is going on, or that he is even different from other kids his age. He accepts help from them when he needs it, he gets hugs and high fives from his teachers and classmates, and to him, this is what preschool is all about. Learn some stuff, and play with his friends. He knows that when he gets off the bus at Grandpa's house, that he can relax and have a snack, and wait for mom to get there. He knows that his mom and Tony love him, and even though he gets frustrated with us, anyone can tell that he is very sorry for not being able to understand us sometimes.

With these new words coming to him, he will open up a whole new world of awesome. He tries to communicate now, and when he finally gets it, there will be no stopping the creativity that flows from that child's brain.

Stress

For this mother, it is finals time. This happens two times a year, a time when my stress level is maxed out by trying to show that even though I am a few years older and have far more responsibility than they do, I can be just as smart as the rest of the post-high school crowd that I attend class with. I still have yet to figure out the perfect stress reliever for myself, and I get angry a lot at myself for not being able to be that parent who has nothing else going on in their lives other than their child. Sadly, everything is irritating me now, because it seems as though for every step forward I take, I end up two back. And what makes it worse on me is that Mother's Day is the Sunday before finals, so I will be cranky on a day when I am supposed to be happy. I know that it is normal to feel like a failure as a parent from time to time, but this feeling can really end at any time now...

One of the things that has been stressing me out during this time is getting Alex into a speech therapy program over the summer. This has proven to be a pain in my a** for a couple of reasons: One, the lack of people at the hospital to call me back, after I have left multiple messages. For two weeks I have been calling and calling, trying to talk to an actual human being in the speech therapy department, and have gotten their answering service every time. Then, when they finally got the clue that I was angry, the lady tried to pawn me off on another hospital, tried to say that the lady who had openings was not helping out people like Alex (this is without even asking if he had made any progress in the YEAR that it had been since she seen him last), and then she apologized for the scheduler AND the receptionist for the department being gone that day, even though it is the MIDDLE OF THE WEEK. She said she would have someone call me tomorrow, and if tomorrow comes and goes and I hear nothing, I promise that I will call them and let them know that even though they think of Alex as just another autistic kid, the people around him do not, and they are the ones who have seen how amazing he is doing.

In the mean time, we have been using the flash cards that I bought him and I even got him the Leapfrog TAG, which is the pen that can read to him. I can't wait to get him more books, because after fighting with it for a while, he finally understood that this pen can read to him, so now he goes through the book that was in the box with the pen five or six thousand times a day. We also have the feeling chart, where it shows pictures of the different emotions and will help Alex to learn how to describe how he is feeling.

This momma is ready for this semester to be over. Ready to be put under to get my tonsils taken out so what I can have a reason to just rest for a while. Since Tony and I's 2 year anniversary is coming up, maybe I will be well enough around that time where he and I can just spend some relaxing time together and that will help out my stress a little.

"Other"... People

One of the most difficult concepts about being a parent of an Autistic child is that unless other parents around you have children with Autism as well, they will never understand what you are going through. Some people accept this and are still very supportive and kind, making sure that you know that if there is any way they can help, they will. Then there is the others. The ones who treat you like the child is not the problem, you are. They insist that it is "just a discipline problem" and that both you and your child should "just get over it". This is why I would like to create a room, where there is nothing but light and noise, preferably the sound of static that you would hear on a tv or radio and lights that are bright like someone who won't turn off their high beams when they are driving toward you in the middle of the night. And then tell them to try to learn something or to isolate a sound, and when they can't, scream in a foreign language at them. Any time they touch something, it is charged with the volts of a cattle fence, and the only way someone else can touch them is with a cattle prod. This room would be for those other people, so they can get an idea of what it is like.

Thankfully, Alexzander has more of the supportive people around him than he does the other people. He has more people who will look at what he has accomplished over the school year than he does that picks on the things he still needs to work on. I, however, have a few more of the other people attacking me than he does, but I would rather have it this way. My favorite example of this is the old woman who proclaimed that my heavy metal music was the reason for Alex's autism. So for all of the "other people" who read this blog, please know that the more outlandish your proclamation to me, the more likely I will retell it. Other than that, it has been mostly that I just don't discipline him enough, loud enough, hard enough... whatever.

Then there is Tony (for those of you not privy to the situation, Tony is not Alex's biological father, but if you were to watch the two together, one would agree that he is very much "dad" anyway). He gets his own paragraph because he has mastered the art of "The Look", which I have not been able to, no matter how much I study him and try. Tony does not have to say very much, and Alex gets that what he is doing... he should stop. He has taken the time to read about what is going on with Alex, and I am sure that the reason why nothing negative about my parenting is said around him is mostly because he looks like he could break pretty much anyone in half. I am glad that no one has asked me why I want to marry him, because the list of why I wouldn't is much much much much shorter.

My lovely boss said it best when she said, "Being a parent sucks." We both love our kids unconditionally, and she is trying to get it through my head that its ok to feel defeated and various other negative feelings as a parent. Again, the good vastly outweighs the bad, so we would not have it any other way, but sometimes, situations just make our job sucky. Sadly, because of some rule about cruel and unusual punishment, my room cannot be made for all those "others". Google is telling me its the Eighth Amendment. Oh well. Instead, I will just continue to point out the ignorance when it comes to the situation that is being shown when comments like those mentioned above are made.

Summer Goals

Since I am only taking 7 credits worth of class over the summer, I find that I am getting excited about the ideas that I have in my head for Alex over this summer. I am trying to find a good speech therapy program for him to get into, and find that this is probably the most difficult of all of my tasks that I would like to accomplish because of grown up things like insurance and just not being rich enough to pay for some of the services that I have been finding. I was lead to Chileda, that cannot help Alex until he is 6 years old, and they pointed me back to Gundersen, who told me to try a place called "Partners in Excellence", who were really excited about Alex, but then my dreams were crushed when I found out that our insurance would not cover them. So back to Gundersen I went, and hopefully one of the speech therapists can find a spot for him for the summer. Meanwhile, he will still be in touch with his school through a play group that his teacher, Mrs. Adam, and his aid, Mrs. G, will be having. He will then continue to be familiar with his surroundings so that his transition back into the school year will not be as rough.

As for at home, I have a few things planned. When I went to Alex's classroom, I noticed something that I would like to have here at home: An organizer that hangs on the wall, so Alex can just have everything he needs at his little fingertips. I bought him flashcards, three work books, and he already has the right size table and chairs so that he can sit comfortably when he learns. His room is going to be changing too. I am buying him a solar system for his ceiling, complete with glow in the dark stars, and all of the toys that he doesn't play with are going out the door. I want to rearrange his furniture to maximize the space he has in there, and find him a rug with something like the countries of the world on it, or letters and numbers... or something like that, so he has to look at. Also, I have to find him a better bookshelf because the one he has in his room now is falling apart, because I really don't think that it was designed to hold so many books and deal with the abuse of a 4 year old.

Lastly, I am looking at the tools that Leap Frog has to offer. Specifically: the LeapFrog Tag, which is a pen that can read books to him, since he hates having me read books to him most of the time. I also have been looking at the learning games they have, but I might hold off on them until I know whether he likes the pen thing or not.

I have lofty goals this summer, but considering all of my classes are online and I will not be at work all the time, I hope that Alex and I can continue his progress over the summer. I am getting him a bike so we can go outside. I really am excited about the free time that I have coming, because now I can direct it toward Alex and his needs, rather than the countless hours of homework that takes up so much of my time during the semesters.