It has come to my attention how uplifting even getting one positive comment about yourself a day can be. This morning, on my drive to work, I was deep in thought about how much I hoped Alexzander enjoyed his first day of school, how much stuff I had to do this week, and when I was going to be able to fit in things like laundry and dishes. When I called one of my favorite cousins, Stacey, she and I had another conversation that my boss likes to call "A conversation to solve all the world's problems", and she said how much she likes my writing and how she thinks I should write a book because of my incessant rambling on here. After I hung up the phone with her, I realized that there are times where I kind of downplay how difficult things can be on me emotionally.
Being a parent can make a person feel cut off from their friends, or even from their own spouse, when your every thought can be consumed by that one little being that you helped to create. For me, I have two things going against me: One, I am the only parent of Alex's in his life right now, and my child has autism. Children usually like to be around other people, however Alex is not really that way all the time. He has a difficulty being around a lot of people for parties or family functions, which makes us even more cut off from other beings.
Not to mention I still have difficulty defining Alex and Tony's relationship in my mind. I am Alex's parent, however I find that I am not ok with just relying on Tony to always be there to be the other parent. I feel that is taking advantage of him, expecting him to be a dad to a child that isn't his. So there is a constant battle in my mind of whether I am pushing it too far by having Alex stay with him on his days off, or asking him to pick him up from my parents, or even just helping out. This unsure feeling extends to Tony's family, where I often feel like Alex and I should just be "at arm's length", because we don't technically "belong". I think it would be disrespectful of me to them just to think that Alex and I are welcome all the time, let alone be considered "members". To me, it would be the easy way out to just push my way in, and expect them to be there for me just because I am with him. But I don't think that is right. I would not just drop my son on his mom and expect her to watch him... she isn't his family. I think that if I have made my way this far on my own, I think I can handle going further and not leaning on people who never asked for me or Alex to be in the picture in the first place.
And on top of all of this, I have stress up the wahzoo. Yes, that is a technical term.
I have homework, studying, a job, deadlines to remember, a house to maintain, extracurricular activities to fit in, a family to think about, and best friends that I at least have to talk to (or try to talk to) every six months. I have been told that I should not complain, because I bring this all on myself, so that is why this has not come up until now. I am not saying this to try to get pity, but instead I want people to understand where I come from. What I study... its not easy. I am a Science major, studying for my GRE (the test to take to get into Grad School). With every life decision comes certain sacrifices, and the sacrifices that I make for Alex's, Tony's, and my own future is usually getting rid of my own ways to have fun (or at least altering them). I barely see my best friend, I have learned how to have fun while studying, I have learned how to clean my house while studying, and I have learned that even five minutes that I get to cuddle with Alex should be a major thing.
I am 25 years old, so now I am going through what the professionals call a "quarter life crisis", meaning I am getting angry all the time because even though I am on my way to accomplishing a lot, I really have not completely accomplished all that much. And the wait... is killing me. I am watching people my age get married and have babies, and I want nothing more than to be able to just drop everything and breathe. Those life changing events have been put on hold for me, because I have a life to develop.
Now, take all of these rather normal feelings of uncertainty, and twist them up tighter because of the whole "being a cancer survivor" thing, and then add on that my child has autism. There are things that I am physically unable to do, and my body looks like it has been ripped apart by a giant beast. I can have all of these feelings in a matter of hours. I have scars, mental and physical. But I put it all behind me because of this one little man, the being that I created so I would not have to be alone, so that I could know and understand what unconditional love is. He needs me, to help him learn and grow. He needs me to test my very creativity coming up with new ideas as to how to help him understand the world around him. He needs me to show him how to love, and be loved in return. I have to show him that hard work pays off.
I have said it before, and I will say it again. I am far from perfect. I am not the soccer mom that drives a van and listens to alternative rock. I drive a black Chevy Cobalt, listen to my rock music too loud, play video games when I have some spare time, my favorite book is Alice in Wonderland, and I love a guy who is a lot like me. I am my own special twist on the word "mom", and I do get looked at funny for it. But I try my best, and when I get a little bit of positive reinforcement, I can go miles with it.
Having an autistic child isn't easy. But if you look at it in the right way, it can be a blast, even if you have an ever wandering mind like mine.
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