To The Pressures....

Alex is truly one amazing little boy. His talking is getting so much better and clearer, he doesn't freak out as much about things, and he seems to be becoming quite the independent little man.

However, things are still rather tough on me. There are times when I feel horrible, because I cannot communicate with him or understand what he wants, and we both get frustrated. There is nothing like not being able to help your child that makes you feel like a terrible parent.

I want to get him an iPad, to help with his learning and vocabulary, but the price tag kills me. Someone suggested that we try to get it written off on our taxes, however, a medical professional must suggest the item for it to be deducted. And getting in to the Learning and Developmental Diagnostic Center to talk to anyone with any power is harder than nailing jello to a wall.

We will find some way though. I am told a lot that Alex deserves this or deserves that, but this is something that I feel he kind of needs. He enjoys using my phone for playing his word games, so I can only assume that since he loves playing with the iPad at school, he would love to play with one at home too. And there are some times when I agree that he deserves the world, just because of all the shit he has had to deal with in his short life. However, I can only do so much, and I hope that my lack of ability to give him the world doesn't bite me in the behind later in life when he looks at me and says, "Why didn't I have that?"

Oi. This whole thing puts me into a funk. I just want to cuddle up with him and apologize that he got stuck with me for a mom, and not... like... Angelina Jolie. Or, I think if he could choose, he would want Fergie for a mom. He loves her.

One of the most difficult things is that I am a really bad guesser, which makes this whole situation even worse. I need people to just tell me what they want from me, don't play games and make me guess, because I am so unbelievably bad at that. And this is one thing that we have to do with Alex a lot... is guess.

It hurts. Sometimes it hurts so much that I feel it physically, like a crushing of my chest. I want to just lay down and cry, scream, anything just to let out some frustration. I get to the point where I just don't know what to do, so I do the few things I can do. The other night I finally got him used to getting his fingernails cut. Big step, considering before he would kick and scream, and Tony would have to hold him down while I cut his fingernails. I also cut his hair. He still hates the bits around the ears, which makes me miss and they are longer, but still, for the most part, his hair is short again. But to me, the over-acheiver, I need more victories than that! I often NEED to be the one to make him better. I find my mind wandering during some of my classes, thinking about what I know about the human body and trying to solve the problem of how autism is caused. I can't do it, and it irritates me.

Someone can say loving their pet is like having a child. They can also say that having neices or nephews, or cousins younger than them is like having a child. Its not. None of that is anywhere near having someone who is a part of you, fighting their way through this world. It is not even close to having a part of your heart, running around, learning and exploring, and ripping your soul in half when they are sad or hurt. It is the kind of love that truly is everlasting, and no matter what they do or say, nothing can make you stop loving them. Ever.

So.... Much.... Talking.......

In hindsight, I should not have gotten annoyed, but at the time... there was just so much of it, I was overwhelmed! This weekend Alex was talking.... and talking.... and TALKING... asking for stuff he didn't necessarily need, and every five minutes it was "Moooooommmmmmm?" or "Daaaaaaaddddddd?". Now, I sit here writing about it, hearing it in my head, and I can't help but giggle, because it was so damn cute! I think he is excited because he finally knows what words to say to get us to understand what he wants, he answers our questions and gets what he wanted... the pieces of this language puzzle are coming together!

On Saturday, he went to work with me since Grandpa was sick, and was really excited to do so! I only had to work 11 am to 2 pm, so a three hour shift was something I knew he could handle. He ate chips, made a picture, counted envelopes, counted register tape, checked the workings of our door into the stock room (it swings in both directions!), swept, helped me mop the back room and the cooler, talked on the dead cordless phone, and we tried to get him to answer the real phone but he wouldn't, like it was beyond his job description or something. After we got home, I took him outside and drug him in his sled around the block past our house, and we went around it four times with Alex saying, "YEEEHAW! YOU CAN DO IT! WOOOHOOO!!!" the whole time. So much help, he is. I told him that on my new epic journey that is losing some weight that he can be my personal trainer if he is going to be so positive even when it is only 15 degrees outside. Then we came back inside and we danced around like idiots to warm up, and then collapsed on the couch and watched some tv.

Today is the first day of the second to last large semester I have. I have high hopes entering today, considering I think my schedule looks super easy, and after the first week of March, I am going to be done with my Biotechnology class, so I will have even less to worry about. I am working almost every day during the week also, which excites me. The only day I will be gone late is Tuesdays, where I am at school, then work, then school until 7 pm. However, I think I kind of like when I have days like this in my week, because it gives Tony and Alex time to bond. As much as I would love it if Alex's every need was met by me, its not. He needs Tony to teach him to be a man, because I obviously don't know how. I think he has a bit of that with all four of the adults he is close to. He needs time alone with each one of us, Grandpa, Grandma, Tony and I, as well as together.

This past week, it finally snowed here in Wisconsin, and Alex could not have been more excited. He was so excited when he got to go outside to the bus and run around in his snow boots. He told me about a million times that it was snowing, and I told him that I hoped that he was the weather man that day since he already knew what was happening. He had a great week at school last week, and I hope that he continues that into this week.

Words, Words, Words

So not only has our darling Alexzander started to repeat things that we say (ok, not really WE so much as TONY), he has started to put his own spin on the things he says. For example: If he is asked to wash his feet because they smell bad, he will say, "You wash your feet cuz they smell bad." Its mostly sass. We are not really worried about him doing that, because it is what Tony and I do to each other, and we don't really mean it. He also was naming off things randomly yesterday. He would point at the computer and a perfect "Computer" would leave his lips. He wanted to color so he would point at his colors and say, "Colors". We even cracked the code (again, not really WE, more like TONY) of how to get him to say please for stuff. We say, "Chocolate milk......" and then he says, "Please!".

Another thing that was exciting is that he has learned what the word "milk" looks like. He went through his books yesterday and found the word in as many of them as he could and would point it out to me. "MILK!" He was very excited, and rightly so. Since that kid could hold things he was holding a book, just waiting for the day that someone would crack the code of how to read so that he could absorb all of the information possible from the pages.

Yesterday, after working since last Sunday, I was able to just spend time, just him and I. We curled up and watched a Madea movie (I am not sure why Alex and I like her so much, but we just do. Maybe because she kinda reminds me of my own Grandma Nofsinger?) and then we cleaned the living room. He has started to take more care of his books since getting his book shelf, and he really likes sliding them into their spots and laying on his Cars couch to look at them. If a kitty happens to go in there, he will read to them, even if it isn't really what the book is about. But hey, they are kitties. They don't know how to read either.

He is growing up so fast. Mental and Physical changes seem to be happening so quickly. He will be six years old in September, and he is already up to my chest. He is stubborn and shows it every day, but at the same time he is an awesome kid. The way he looks at the world just amazes me all the time, and I can tell he is like me because when he decides to do something, it happens. I was busy vacuuming and didn't hear him ask for some water, so he got it himself by scaling the kitchen drawers and grabbing a cup, and then got himself a drink. He decides for himself whether he likes you or not, and most times sticks with his decision.

For any of you out there who is afraid of having kids, let alone having kids who have autism, please let me tell you that it is really an experience that you make. You choose to make it a good one or a bad one. Yes, it can be stressful, but it is really up to you how you let that stress affect you. My son has learned how to understand my emotions by my voice, and has definitely seen me go through plenty of them. Autism isn't really about lack or surplus of faith, science pitfalls, or even you as a genetic donor. I think it is about a change in humans, and before our very eyes we may be seeing evolution at work. Will people start to see the world differently? Will Autism one day become the norm? I like having a child because he not only gives me something to live for, but he challenges me so that I have to be at my best as much as possible. Those little eyes are watching Tony and I even when we think he isn't, and who we are is going to affect who he becomes. While for some, that kind of responsibility can be daunting, but for me, it just is. I am not a perfect person, and I will never expect that from Alex. I want him to be civil, a gentleman to the ladies, and use common sense. I want him to be honest, kind, loving, and always stay true to who he is, no matter what anyone says. He already has most of that down, thankfully, and I can only hope that as the bullies present themselves in life, that he sticks to what he has been taught.

New Year, New Hope, New Heart Attacks

Its the new year, and I was lucky enough to get to spend the first day of it with my two favorite guys. We didn't let Alex stay up until midnight, however we did watch some Youtube videos of some fireworks from Sydney, Australia and London, England yesterday. Although Alex doesn't grasp the concept of a new year (I think), I have been plagued with thoughts since about noon on the 31st. I think about the things that are happening this year, that I want to happen, and that may happen... and I almost have a panic attack. So though this post may not be completely about Alex, it is about what our family has coming to it in 2012.

The biggest thing happening is my graduation with my Bachelors degree in December. With that comes three semesters (Spring, Summer, and Fall) of intense work, research, and the biggest and most closest thing: The GRE. Thinking about it is giving me a mild heart attack. I have to stay focused this whole year, my family's future depends on it. It is scary having that kind of responsibility, especially knowing that after I graduate I will be able to get a full time job, and make Alex's life better. He has had to deal with me through all of this, and he has done an excellent job! True, now that he has Tony to help deal with me, it is easier, but still very daunting for a 5 year old.

Even though I play the part differently, being me is rather daunting sometimes. Its hard to maintain a balance between spending enough time with my family, my relationship with Tony, school, work, and making sure I am up to date with all things Alex. Whenever I find that I am lacking in balance one way, I am devastated and shift everything to account for it. I don't do the whole "me time" thing because not only do I not believe in it, but I have far too many other things that require my time. And layered within that, I have the constant worry about Alex's future, any future children that Tony and I have, and just their well being in general. I think about how no matter what, I will stick up for Alex, Tony, and our hypothetical children and make sure that no one hurts them. Although I don't agree with Jenny McCarthy's views on Autism (because she has no scientific knowledge to back up her claims at all), I do agree with her idea of being a Mother Warrior, because a lot of the time it is a fight.

Along with my school, I have Alex's schooling to think about. If Tony and I decide that we finally cannot take the small space anymore and NEED to move, we would have to do it sometime over the summer, so that I have time to get Alex enrolled in whatever school district (*crossing fingers* COME ON WEST SALEM!) that we end up in, because this fall he will be in Kindergarten. Think about that! Our little boy will be in Kindergarten! Although it means that I am turning 26 this year (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little), Alex will be turning 6 years old this year! It makes me want to curl up on the couch with Kitties (since we are alone this morning) and sob into them and swear at them that they are not allowed to grow up. Speaking of growing up too fast... has anyone out there in the universe that reads this ever feel like you are being stalked by the next step in your life? Just follow me on this one. Lately, I have become content with the fact that Tony takes forever to decide that he wants to marry me, which is ok because it isn't going to really change anything, I will just get a name change. So the idea of having children is something that we have talked about a lot. Now.... the idea is stalking us. I swear. Its almost making me embarrassed. It seems like every time we turn around, something regarding having babies comes up. For example: My friend from work, Emily, told me that we should watch the show Sons of Anarchy. (Great show, by the way.) But the first episode, someone is pregnant! Really? Then, I started getting back into How I Met Your Mother, since Season 6 is on Netflix, and Marshall and Lily are trying to get pregnant. Jeeze. THEN, Tony and I watch Bones together.... and of course, Bones is pregnant. /facepalm Then, every family get together we have where I get to play with Leah (my goddaughter), someone always makes the observation that Alex is really good with babies... and that my parents are getting older.... really? REALLY PEOPLE? Yes... the concept of us having another child is stalking us. No, there are two things that need to happen before we have another child: One, Tony is marrying me, and two, we need a bigger place. Not that we all don't enjoy being close together, but it is getting so that our stuff doesn't have room, and Alex is running out of running space.

Oh 2012, you are a daunting one, aren't you? Trying to kill me and it's only Day 2! But, I look forward to seeing what changes comes to our family, what awesome advancements Alex sees, and where we will be 366 days from now (This year is a leap year, remember). Happy New Year Everyone!

Holiday Season

While other families during this time of year are worshiping their faith in their own ways, in my little family of three we celebrate being together. During this time of year, I want Alex to grow up knowing that this is when we celebrate being a family, show how thankful we are to those around us, and we spend time together with our extended families. What I find to be very marvelous about Alex is that every time someone gave him a present, for a moment in time while he was unwrapping it, it was the most important thing in his life. He looked at each wrapped package and said, "OH!", then unwrapped it and had to check the whole present over before moving on to the next, which he was equally surprised about getting.

See. Just because our little family doesn't believe in god, doesn't mean that we don't have morals or treat this holiday season like it is just any old day.

This year was definitely a year of celebration of Alex when it came to the presents. Each of my siblings and my parents received an Autism Awareness ribbon for their vehicles, I got a button proclaiming that every day is Autism Awareness in our house, and Alex got an amazing shirt (see above). With the money that he received, he got a new pair of shoes and a new piggy bank that counts the money that he has saved in it. From Tony and I, he got a toy organizer and a book rack, some glow in the dark stars and a star gazer. But his favorite present came from Grandpa and Grandma, because they got him a train. Leave it to Alex to make sure that my mom and dad remain young by making sure they get down on the ground and help him put together his train tracks.

Alex did an amazing job this year with everyone together. He is gradually getting better and better about the family gatherings, and it was remarked a couple of times how his speech is getting so much better. He was able to cuddle on the babies a bit, eat some food with us all, and open his presents, with no major melt down. We are trying to find a good way for him to communicate his wants and needs to others who don't know his language, without feeling like he is frustrated and needs to freak out.

He has been enjoying all of the time that he and I have gotten to spend together this past week. We cuddle up and read and watch TV while Tony is at work, then we have some family time when he gets home. Yesterday we went shopping and had a late lunch together. We all really enjoyed it. I think that Tony and I are doing a great job of getting Alex to realize that we are not leaving him (at least, not for extended periods of time) and that he can rely on us to help him out if he needs it. He still, though, has his stubborn moments where he wants to do things himself, and gets frustrated when he can't.

When people look at my family, it is sometimes silly that they think that they see everything. Yes, Tony and I are not married, but that doesn't mean that we don't have the partnership. There are plenty of marriages out there where the woman or the man does everything and their spouse does nothing. We may not be married, but that doesn't make us any less "Mom and Dad". Just because we only have one child, doesn't mean we don't know what it is like to have multiple kids. Our child can be fine one minute, then have a major melt down and destroy the house the next second. It takes both of our brains together to help Alex with what he needs. To me, Tony and I share a bond that goes far beyond what some piece of paper proclaims. We have an understanding that we will both be there for each other, have each other's back, and be grateful for one another every day. We are grateful that we have Alex in our lives, because he is different, just like we are. We all fit together, like the puzzle pieces were made for each other. We didn't let Autism change how we felt about each other, but it did make us evaluate how we are as parents, and what Alex needs from us. As we move forward in this adventure, the three of us are going to continue to have each other's backs. With the closing of this year, we look forward to the changes that this next year brings, and we will always be thankful for everything we have, especially everything we have in each other.

First Field Trip, A Success!

Well, today was an epic day in the life of our little social creature. This morning, we went on his school field trip to the Children's Museum in La Crosse, and what a time he had! His favorite was the models of the Mississippi River, and the changes it went through by having dams put in. He collected all of the boats and sent them down the river, and then he made them go through each dam individually. His second favorite thing was the massive train table, and he and I both agreed that he and Grandpa would have a great time with one if only they could talk Grandma into letting them have one.

He also had fun pretending to be a fire fighter, and driving the fire truck. He would turn the lights on and off, and make driving noises as he was steering the wheel. He was ready to put out some fires, except he didn't want to wear the hat.

This is a pretty big thing for him. A new place, with some new people, and he had a blast! This place was made for him, with all of the things to do, the lights, the action, and of course, I was there with him!

After the museum, he got to stay at school and have lunch with his friends. He tried pineapple chunks, but thought they were too tangy for his taste. He ate his peanut buttered bagel, his cheese sticks, and of course his french fries. He had some party snacks this afternoon, and his teachers said he had a blast today! This is a good sign for the testing of how he is going to do when he has to stay at school the whole day, which we are going to try this spring. A couple of days he will go in and experience what it is like to be a Kindergartner, and learn what is going to be expected of him once he is past Preschool. I am sure, however, that he is up to the challenge!

His interest in books is growing, so I found this app for my phone that is a phonics game with a turtle. His name is Tommy, and you can have him walk across the letters to have them sounded out fast, slow, or in the middle. Alex really likes this game, and likes sounding out the letters. This is a great way to get him starting to read! I told him that once he learns how to read, I am positive that he will be smarter than I am in no time, because he will read anything! I also have this feeling that once he starts to read, his language will get better because he will be exposed to so much more language, and that he will begin to understand more words much easier and better too. And then both Tony and I better be prepared for some serious talking!

Since I have Winter Break and I am going to be doing some studying on my days off, I got Alex an art supply set so that he can do some projects (since he won't have school until January 2nd) while I do studying. He is going to work on some Christmas cards (but people will get them post-Christmas, because I am slow like that), and then he will probably make a book with me. We will work on more phonics stuff, cutting and gluing things (and we hope that Daddy doesn't come home to find us glued together).

All three of us want to wish all of you out there who read this babbling a happy holiday season. Alex is excited for presents, I am excited for the break from school, and I think that even though he doesn't say it, Tony is excited that I have a break from school too (less stressed me means a better world for him :) ). I will probably post again after our family's holiday celebration and talk about how Alex did with a house full of girls, something that he should be quite accustomed to from all of the holidays he has had to put up with it though. No wonder why he says that Daddy and Grandpa are his best friends. They have to deal with all of the girls just like he does! That and, I guess, he has a pretty awesome Daddy in Tony, and my Dad is an amazing Grandpa.

From our family to yours, Happy Holidays!

Its Christmas Time, I Swear!

So our little Alexzander is making quite an impact on this year's preschool class! He has been doing great with the transitions from playing to working on their projects, and he has gotten the title of "Circle Time Police" because he will not let anyone sit idle during circle time! He is doing a wonderful job at doing all of the assigned tasks that he is given, and usually the only day they really have any problems is on Monday (but really, who among us wants to do things on Monday mornings?).

We have decided that he is going to start using people's names more. For example, the other night I told him to say good night to Tony and Erik, and he walked up to Tony and said, "Good night dad!" then walked over to Erik, looked at him a second, then said, "Good night dad?" we laughed, said "No...", so he switched it to, "Good night.... Name." We reminded him that it was "Erik", and since he has a really big love obsession with the movie "Monsters vs Aliens", he said, "Good night Derick." Close enough.

To add another chore to his chore chart, and to get Alex into feeling more like it is Christmas around here, I got him a little Christmas tree of his own to take care of. He watered it, and was really excited about it. Now we just have to make sure the cats don't eat it. There is still no snow in our valley, but once that comes and stays around, I think that Alex will be even more excited about Christmas coming. Right now, he probably thinks we are all lying to him because there is no snow on the ground... so it can't be almost Christmas!

The past week, we tried something else new. I didn't help him on to the bus this week. He was really scared one day, but for the most part he was alright just walking up to the bus and getting on. The first day, he stopped at the base of the steps, sighed, and told himself he could do it. He climbed up the steps and sat in his seat like the big boy he is, and rode to school. Such a big step for such a little guy! I am trying to make sure that he understands that he can rely on people when he needs to, but that he also has to be independent enough to do things on his own. It seems as though I am at the right point of balance between the two.

Today was a rough day for me, because I am dealing with the death of my godfather, my Uncle Phil. I cuddled with Alex and cried a bit, and he hugged me and gave me a kiss, then told me it was ok. I like how now, I can ask him simple questions and he will answer me. Like, I asked him if he thought I was a good mommy. He said, "Sure!" I asked him if he could pick any mommy in the world, would he still pick me? He looked at me and said, "Um... Yes." I am taking this as a good sign that I am doing something right. He tells me he loves me, and today while I was crying that he "loves daddy too", even though he wasn't here at the time to hear it.

In closing, I wanted to leave you with a quote from the "Always Unique Totally Intelligent Sometimes Mysterious" page from Facebook:

"Even with the increased awareness about autism, unfortunately there’s still a stigma surrounding the disorder, and it’s definitely a problem for families. Even in the best of circumstances, your life becomes very different. You’re constantly adapting, doing what you have to do just to survive, and the level of energy that effort requires is hard to imagine, if you haven’t been there. Society has no real understanding of autism, or awareness of the bizarre behaviors which are a part of the disorder. As parents we logically know that we have no reason to be ashamed of our child, but many times we feel responsible for who they are. The most important thing is to realize that autism is not tragic; our children are alive, healthy and wonderful. Our autistic children are whole, not broken and our own lives, by extension, are also whole and full of potential. Ordinary and motivated parents can overcome seemingly impossible hurdles and make an extraordinary difference in their children's lives. Autism has helped many become better families. It teaches us patience and understanding. Autism changes everything. We change the way we see ourselves, the ways we parent, our immediate future, and our long-term future. But we go on and overcome it. Every family has different experiences and outcomes, but every single one of us works hard to procure and provide something therapeutic every single day. But no matter how different it is for us, we have a lot in common too. One of the biggest things we have in common is how much we worry. We don't know what the future holds for our kids, and there is a lot to worry about."

If you have not liked this page, it is a really interesting one to read if you want to learn about autism. Until the next time I find time to write (I have finals next week, so it will probably be after that), I wish you all the best, and Alexzander says, "OH! Hello!"