Baseball Blues

Yesterday was not the best day at Alex's baseball practice.

Being a parent means that you have to get used to frustrations, but when your child is not used to engaging in new things, and prefers to be by himself rather than with his teammates, it is difficult. What is even more hard is when other parents don't really understand why Alex doesn't want to have anything to do with their children. Its not the other children's fault, Alex just prefers to be around the people that he already knows. He wants to do things his own way, on his own time, and that is something that is very difficult to break him of.

Alex likes the little town that he lives in, because it is what he is used to. He loves his family, his friends, and even my co-workers, because not only are they who he is used to, but because they accept him for who he is and just basically let him be himself. Alex can sit there during one of my crew meetings and listen while he reads his books, and he enjoys it, but when we try something like baseball, he clams up again.

It is hard because he yells when he does not want to do something, and at baseball practice there is a lot of yelling. The volunteers that help are good at trying to get him to engage in play with them, but he still is not sure of his surroundings enough to be comfortable with that. It would help if he would go more than once a week, but alas I have no control over what his father chooses to do with him on Thursday, the other day he has practice during the week. I drive 45 minutes to become frustrated trying to get him to understand that this is fun, and it is something that he likes. The other 45 minute drive back home is devoted to me trying to calm myself down because I know that no matter what, he needs this. He needs to keep doing this if there is going to be any progress made.

My son is different. And that does make things harder on me, on the people who love him and want to see him succeed, but at the same time it makes it so that I can't just pretend like nothing is wrong and use the same parenting methods that my parents used on me. Its hard to get people to realize that we are not "anti-social" because we want to be, it is just what makes Alex the most comfortable. And when he is comfortable, that is the window of opportunity that we have to get through to him.

He still lines up his cars, sings at random times, and prefers to sit and read to himself more than almost anything else. He loves to go for rides in the car, because it is soothing to him, and above all else, he likes his life in this little town.

This Father's Day, I think it essential that I give a shout out to the two fellas in Alexzander's life that have been there for him no matter what, and continue to be there to help him in his quest to understand the world. Both my father and Tony have helped to make my child into who he is today: The fun-loving, charismatic, and simply amazing child who just happens to be autistic. He loves both of them, and watches them when they don't know it so that he makes sure his mimic of them is as close to the real thing as possible.

We will start with my father. He was so excited when Alex was born because finally he had another guy to be with. To date, my father has five granddaughters, and just Alex in the grandson category. He loves all of his grand-kids, but he has a special place for Alex, because they are so much alike. Not only do they have the same facial expressions, but they also both have the tendency to think like old men, needing to read the newspaper, looking at deals in the Menards flier, and making sure they get the tough stuff done before they get to play. My father has taught my son how to navigate the back roads throughout our whole county, know which day to go get fresh cheese curds (because Alex likes them best when they are fresh, and doesn't like to share), and has encourage Alex in his love of trains and cars by making sure he had a car collection to rival any other kid's. I never really had a grandpa, my father's father died before I was born and my mother's father died when I was young (and I can barely remember him), so watching the bond that my father has with Alex is pretty amazing. Alex's favorite place to be is with grandpa on the recliners at his house, reading and drinking water, preparing for the next "Grandpa Attack". When I was younger, my father was someone that you didn't cross, because he kept the fear in you to keep you in line. With Alex, he had to have a different approach, and now it is almost like they share their own language. I know Alex is grateful for his grandpa every day, because without him, who would help him off the bus and make sure that his water bottle is always full?

Then he has Tony. Tony is a lot like my father when it comes to discipline, because he knows what Alex knows and when Alex tries to so wrong, Tony is quick to intervene. Just recently, with the help of a sprinkler, I think Tony finally realized the effect he has on Alex, and how much he looks up to him. After all, who else could teach him how to catch the sprinkler water in his mouth and spit it at mom? Alex watches him dance in the car, and then mimics him, Alex will put on his shoes and wander around the house when he is gone. Though they haven't quite figured out how to efficiently communicate with one another, they are both learning. I know Alex gets frustrated when he wants to tell him something, and it causes Alex to freak out. But like most guys, they bond by physically tormenting each other, and tormenting me. I don't think that either Tony or myself thought that we would have to deal with such a big change so early in our relationship, but he stepped up when Alex was diagnosed and didn't ditch us. There are not very many guys in this world who would date a woman with a child, let alone a child with special needs, even less so would date a woman with a child with a special need that people know so little about. But he stayed with us, and I don't think he will ever understand how much that means to Alex and I. Its easy to walk away, yeah, but staying is where the adventure is. I hope that later in Alex's life, I can remind him of this and when he wants to just give up, I will say that Tony didn't give up on him, so why does he think he can just give up on himself?

For as much as all of us try to teach Alex, he teaches us things right back. He has taught me patience, understanding, and that as much as I would like to, I can't plan for the future all the time. He learns from these men and I hope that when he grows up, he is just as great of a man, just as great of a daddy, and when the time comes, an amazing grandpa, just like he has.

Sidewalk Chalk

Few things in life are as simply amazing as a child taking a piece of chalk and drawing to his heart's content on a slab of cement. Not only does this bring the child joy, but if the adult were to do the same, the joy would then be shared and a lovely piece of artwork is created. Alexzander and I are lucky that we have a long stretch of sidewalk by our house, one that we have been given permission to beautify. A long row of letters and number stretch across about four of the slabs, and 1-20 is written on the opposite side. We drew pictures like "baseball" and "flower", wrote the names of the people in our family so he could recognize the names. He picked up every color and smiled as he drew lines and circles, and when he could, he identified the color he was using.

52 colors in the box, and the strip of sidewalk in front of Tony's car looks fabulous. This lead to a two hour nap, many slices of cheese and crackers eaten, and three or four juice pouches drank dry. When I was watching him, I felt that wish grow stronger, the one that is deep inside that is just wanting the thing that he will easily communicate with others with to come out. He has a lot going on in that little head, and I know there are times when he wants to share. There are times he wants to tell me what he wants, what he needs, but gets frustrated because he can't figure out the words.

He gets so excited when he sees things that he knows the word for, and will not calm down until you say the word too. "Butterfly" is his most favorite, and when we went to the flower shop today, he saw wind chimes with a butterfly on it. If only I had more money, I would buy one for him so that he could listen to it chime as the butterfly wings went up and down.

Alexzander starts baseball tomorrow, and once he gets used to that I am going to start taking him to the pool so he gets used to water before he starts swimming lessons. I don't know what that thing will be that he excels at, but I do know that he has the ability to have fun with anything once he gets the hang of it, and that is really something that all of us can look at and learn from. When I think about complaining because of all of the chapters I have to read for class, I remember that he is trying so hard to learn the words so he can start reading himself, because he loves books almost as much as he loves his mommy.

Before I end this post, I just want to put up a link to the Autism Awareness Shop, because I have found some amazing wedding gifts from there and I am excited that a portion of the proceeds benefits autism awareness. There are also different causes on the top tab, so you can choose which store you would like to shop. Give it a look, it is definitely worth your time!

https://www.theautismsite.com/store/site.do;jsessionid=B90EE0EB5D14942819DEA8D8D20407F5.store-b?siteId=346

Who Needs Sensitivity Training?

So this post might be a little controversial, but a certain discussion has led me to believe that it is something that should be addressed. Everyone knows that I love my son, with all of my heart. There is nothing that I would not do for that little boy, not a galaxy I would not cross, not a cost that is too high. But when it comes to preparing him for what is out in the world, I find that a key lesson that my darling Tony taught me seems to be just what the doctor ordered: If he can not learn how to laugh at himself, then he will not have the proper self confidence to deal with bullies when they come along.

For those of you who know my family, know how we are, if we like you, then we will joke with you, and make fun. This is how it is in our community that I grew up in, how my parents are, how my siblings are, how all of my friends are, how the love of my life is. If I teach Alex that it is ok to be sensitive, I am setting him up for a lifetime of pain because -NEWSFLASH- not everyone in the world is nice all of the time.

Yes, this is written in defense of myself for something that someone said about me. I am not going to change who I am because of some oversensitive, religious (which is where I think the oversensitivity comes from) fanatic, who doesn't understand jokes, and gets mad at people -ONLINE-. I swear, if I got as offended as quickly as this person did, there is no WAY I would have been able to handle WoW, let alone excelled at it. It has shown me that I am definitely proud of who I am enough to handle jokes, I have enough self confidence to not be -THAT- way. I will continue to be this way so my son learns and is not one of the weak, whiny youth that (are rather annoying) cannot defend themselves.

My son has learned when people are joking with him. Everyone who loves him doesn't make fun of his different ability, but rather when he does something that is not normal to the rest of us, we call him goofy or silly. Just because it is not something we ourselves understand, that doesn't mean that he doesn't. He is being taught how to respect himself enough to make fun of himself, and respect others by us showing him where the lines are. Verbal boundaries are very important to teach him, because of his issues with language and how he understands things differently than we all do.

This is not me making excuses for who I am, but rather standing up for who I am and showing that it will do good, that it will help the one who matters most in my life. So make judgement on my character all you want, but in the end, I know I am right. :D

Lets Give Him Something To Talk About

Thankfully it seems as though the politeness fairy has come along and hit Alex with her wand recently. He has been saying things like "Please" and "No thank you", even when he really does want what the person is asking. He is starting to request more things in ways that people can understand, while not completely losing his independence and being able to get things that he knows where they are.

I am hoping that with the activities I have planned for his summer, that he will continue to use his own words to talk with people, rather than phrases from things that they may not understand. I got in contact with the horse trainers and they said that he will be learning how to ride and care for the horse like it is his own animal, so that he can create a bond with the animal.

The last two nights he has stayed with his Aunt Amy at her house. From what I have been hearing, he has been a good kid, but didn't want to get out of his jammies. I told her it is like he is getting a vacation, where he doesn't have to worry about mom or Tony, he just gets to be a kid playing with Amy's puppies and relaxing. He had to stay with her because I had my tonsils taken out on Monday, and it hurts a lot, making it very difficult for me to talk. I am glad he has been a good kid for her, and this may mean that he gets a present when he comes home.

I am hoping that for Autism Awareness Month (April), I can get something organized through my work to bring this issue to the community around us. There are a lot of things about Autism that people don't understand, or things that they have heard some celebrity (I strongly despise you, Jenny McCarthy) state as being fact when really it is bullshit. Sometimes people can't get their heads around the fact that we just don't know what causes autism, but since they need to put the blame somewhere, they end up hurting more than helping. By just accepting that we don't know what caused it, but it is here, is sometimes the best thing you can do. Not everyone is cut out to be a researcher, because too many people want answers NOW. That is just not possible. Vaccines didn't cause autism, as much as people want to blame it on them. Alex is still at the age where he doesn't understand what is going on, or that he is even different from other kids his age. He accepts help from them when he needs it, he gets hugs and high fives from his teachers and classmates, and to him, this is what preschool is all about. Learn some stuff, and play with his friends. He knows that when he gets off the bus at Grandpa's house, that he can relax and have a snack, and wait for mom to get there. He knows that his mom and Tony love him, and even though he gets frustrated with us, anyone can tell that he is very sorry for not being able to understand us sometimes.

With these new words coming to him, he will open up a whole new world of awesome. He tries to communicate now, and when he finally gets it, there will be no stopping the creativity that flows from that child's brain.

Stress

For this mother, it is finals time. This happens two times a year, a time when my stress level is maxed out by trying to show that even though I am a few years older and have far more responsibility than they do, I can be just as smart as the rest of the post-high school crowd that I attend class with. I still have yet to figure out the perfect stress reliever for myself, and I get angry a lot at myself for not being able to be that parent who has nothing else going on in their lives other than their child. Sadly, everything is irritating me now, because it seems as though for every step forward I take, I end up two back. And what makes it worse on me is that Mother's Day is the Sunday before finals, so I will be cranky on a day when I am supposed to be happy. I know that it is normal to feel like a failure as a parent from time to time, but this feeling can really end at any time now...

One of the things that has been stressing me out during this time is getting Alex into a speech therapy program over the summer. This has proven to be a pain in my a** for a couple of reasons: One, the lack of people at the hospital to call me back, after I have left multiple messages. For two weeks I have been calling and calling, trying to talk to an actual human being in the speech therapy department, and have gotten their answering service every time. Then, when they finally got the clue that I was angry, the lady tried to pawn me off on another hospital, tried to say that the lady who had openings was not helping out people like Alex (this is without even asking if he had made any progress in the YEAR that it had been since she seen him last), and then she apologized for the scheduler AND the receptionist for the department being gone that day, even though it is the MIDDLE OF THE WEEK. She said she would have someone call me tomorrow, and if tomorrow comes and goes and I hear nothing, I promise that I will call them and let them know that even though they think of Alex as just another autistic kid, the people around him do not, and they are the ones who have seen how amazing he is doing.

In the mean time, we have been using the flash cards that I bought him and I even got him the Leapfrog TAG, which is the pen that can read to him. I can't wait to get him more books, because after fighting with it for a while, he finally understood that this pen can read to him, so now he goes through the book that was in the box with the pen five or six thousand times a day. We also have the feeling chart, where it shows pictures of the different emotions and will help Alex to learn how to describe how he is feeling.

This momma is ready for this semester to be over. Ready to be put under to get my tonsils taken out so what I can have a reason to just rest for a while. Since Tony and I's 2 year anniversary is coming up, maybe I will be well enough around that time where he and I can just spend some relaxing time together and that will help out my stress a little.

"Other"... People

One of the most difficult concepts about being a parent of an Autistic child is that unless other parents around you have children with Autism as well, they will never understand what you are going through. Some people accept this and are still very supportive and kind, making sure that you know that if there is any way they can help, they will. Then there is the others. The ones who treat you like the child is not the problem, you are. They insist that it is "just a discipline problem" and that both you and your child should "just get over it". This is why I would like to create a room, where there is nothing but light and noise, preferably the sound of static that you would hear on a tv or radio and lights that are bright like someone who won't turn off their high beams when they are driving toward you in the middle of the night. And then tell them to try to learn something or to isolate a sound, and when they can't, scream in a foreign language at them. Any time they touch something, it is charged with the volts of a cattle fence, and the only way someone else can touch them is with a cattle prod. This room would be for those other people, so they can get an idea of what it is like.

Thankfully, Alexzander has more of the supportive people around him than he does the other people. He has more people who will look at what he has accomplished over the school year than he does that picks on the things he still needs to work on. I, however, have a few more of the other people attacking me than he does, but I would rather have it this way. My favorite example of this is the old woman who proclaimed that my heavy metal music was the reason for Alex's autism. So for all of the "other people" who read this blog, please know that the more outlandish your proclamation to me, the more likely I will retell it. Other than that, it has been mostly that I just don't discipline him enough, loud enough, hard enough... whatever.

Then there is Tony (for those of you not privy to the situation, Tony is not Alex's biological father, but if you were to watch the two together, one would agree that he is very much "dad" anyway). He gets his own paragraph because he has mastered the art of "The Look", which I have not been able to, no matter how much I study him and try. Tony does not have to say very much, and Alex gets that what he is doing... he should stop. He has taken the time to read about what is going on with Alex, and I am sure that the reason why nothing negative about my parenting is said around him is mostly because he looks like he could break pretty much anyone in half. I am glad that no one has asked me why I want to marry him, because the list of why I wouldn't is much much much much shorter.

My lovely boss said it best when she said, "Being a parent sucks." We both love our kids unconditionally, and she is trying to get it through my head that its ok to feel defeated and various other negative feelings as a parent. Again, the good vastly outweighs the bad, so we would not have it any other way, but sometimes, situations just make our job sucky. Sadly, because of some rule about cruel and unusual punishment, my room cannot be made for all those "others". Google is telling me its the Eighth Amendment. Oh well. Instead, I will just continue to point out the ignorance when it comes to the situation that is being shown when comments like those mentioned above are made.