So Much Excitement, So Little Time

Alexzander did a great job trick-or-treating this year, running around happily ringing people's doorbells, saying "Tricky-Treat!", and sorting out all of his candy when it was all over. He made a pretty handsome Thor, even though about halfway through our meanderings he lost his headgear (that would totally be -10 to armor stats) to Tony (+5 to armor) who wore it around, and I even managed to get a good picture of it!

Since last post, Alex's biological dad has moved away, and so now we are setting up Legal Guardianship with Tony, so that in case anything happens to me, he will be there for Alex. This has excited not only my family, but Tony's as well, because this makes Alex a part of their family. Its like, giving birth to a five year old!

This has come at a very perfect time for Alex, because he has started referring to Tony as "daddy" when he needs his attention, and it makes it so that its not confusing when I call him "Tony" to him. Now I can start using the same lingo he does, which will be strange at first, but in all honesty, Alex decided long before this happened that this is what he was going to call Tony.

We are taking a break from swimming, and we are spending this time concentrating on getting him to realize that sometimes, you have to stop playing to do some work. At school, they work on projects, and here at home, it will be things like cleaning or reading for his school reading challenge. His teacher has found that it is much easier for him if we work stepwise with him, rather than just giving him the whole task and expecting him to understand the steps. So, for example, when cleaning his room, the first thing we will pick up will be the books. Because we don't want to hurt our books. Next it will be the cars, because nobody's feet like stepping on cars in the middle of the night. After that, it will be the other toys, then blankets, and finally any clothes that may be laying around will go in the basket. He has gotten really good at undressing and making sure his clothes go in his clothes basket (that is another miracle done by Tony). We look forward to seeing how well he does with this, and hopefully he will transition into being able to do the task without needing the steps.

At school today, Viterbo hosted the 7 Rivers Research Symposium, and the keynote speaker was a lady named Meg. She is an ecologist, and when she was doing her research, she was a single mother, so she spoke about balancing her family, career, and life. Afterward, I spoke to her about Alex, and how I could use what she was talking about to help him. She first suggested that outside will be the most miraculous place for him to be, because it is quiet but yet booming with things that he can sense. By taking the time and letting him discover things one by one, he will become comfortable with it all, and then he might take things that he likes to do inside, outside. She understood that he is a very technologically driven child, meaning he likes to learn things via computers or even from his books. So she said that once he gets a grasp on outside, then he can bring things like an iPad with him outside, and he can get the healthy sunshine he needs while not stopping fueling that brain that needs to know everything. She autographed her book for me, and addressed it to him. She said her sister-in-law has and autistic son, and she said that just by me coming up and asking her about this, shows that I am really willing to do anything to help him. I told her this is very true, and that I read whatever I can about different case studies to see if I can apply anything to Alex. And before we said goodbye, she laughed, and said, "Don't forget the mud. Boys love mud." So that is where all of my money will probably be going later on in life... to buying Alex clothes because he plays in the mud too much.

This may sound silly, but I am perfectly content with everything right now. I have forgotten about the whole getting married thing, because honestly, by taking on Alex as being his own kid, Tony has showed that he loves us more than anything else in this world, and will stay with us as a part of the team. He has showed me that he is willing to be my partner, to be there by my side to help me with whatever we need. This is so much bigger than a proposal. Its so much more important to me that he shows that he doesn't just want me in his life, but that he wants Alex too, because we are a package deal. I am starting to think there is sometimes where he prefers Alex over me anyway, but that is the way its supposed to be, isn't it?

He and I have Alex's parent/teacher conference on the 22nd of this month, so I will probably update this after that. With everything that has been going on, there are times I almost feel out of breath because I am smiling so much. I have a feeling that it will just get worse, because this next semester will be a big one for me, after that Alex will start up swimming again and I will have research to do over the summer, and that will bring us to my graduation next December. At the glorious age of 26, I will be working on my Masters degree, have a beautifully gifted son, and we both will have someone there to back us up, making us happier than we have ever been.

Jabber Jaws

To put things plain and simple, Alex's language is getting so much better. Instead of his rambling and trying to catch tid-bits and having a hard time understanding him, he is now using his words and phrases he knows, repeating them when asked, and even personalizing some things when he babbles.

And boy, does he babble a lot.

For example: Sunday was his last swimming lesson (for the winter months, he will resume next spring), and he was not feeling very well. When I asked him while he was lying on the couch, not talking, if he was feeling ok, he said, "Yeah, I ok." and then when I told him to let me know if he needed something, he said, "Ok.". This may not seem like a very major thing, but it is. Before, if he was asked a question, he would just stare at you because he didn't understand what you wanted from him. He is now realizing that he follows a question with an answer, usually about himself, and he is doing wonderfully at it.

This morning, after spending the last two days with Tony, I asked him if he was ready to go to Grandpa's house. He said, "My Grandpa's house." He is personalizing the people in his life too! I never thought that I would be so proud of my child for taking ownership of things! He recognizes "mine" and "yours"!

Last night, during our family movie time, he was bugging Tony (which is normal) , and said, "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" (of course this gets to me, you know, the whole him calling Tony "dad" thing, but that isn't where I am going with this). He calls the cats by their "names", Kitty and Fat Cat, and he even made up his own song about Fat Cat. It was too cute. And he recognizes the cats as "his kitties". So many big steps!

He is starting to remember what certain words look like in his books, and when he points at them, he makes sure he reads them loudly because he is so excited. I really do think that once he gets the reading thing down, there will be no stopping him in reading anything and everything ever written.

He is so goofy, but I love him. Just like Tony- He is majorly goofy too, but I love him. Their goofiness compliments each other, and I guess my job is to be the ringleader of this circus?

"Loving Lampposts", and the Aftermath

On Sunday, I watched a movie called "Loving Lampposts". It was a documentary about a man trying to get into his autistic son's world, understand it, and see what his opinion was on it, after exploring all the different ideas (cures, causes, ect.). It was an excellent movie, and I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to know about Alex, and the man feels exactly the same way as I do about the whole situation, so you can really learn what I think about things as well. But after watching, I am thankful for many things. I am thankful that Alex does have what language he does, and uses it frequently, I am glad that even after Alex was diagnosed, it didn't hurt Tony and I's relationship (the movie said that most parents of autistic children go through a divorce, even though Tony and I are not married), and I am glad that he has Tony, myself, and his Grandpa and Grandma to be there for him and understand his quirks that no one else really does.

I do worry every day that one piece of Alex's puzzle life may one day be lost, and I am not sure how he will deal with it. I think about this because on Sunday my father turned 62, and he really is Alex's best friend. I know that it will be hard on me if I ever lose him, but Alex might not understand at first. It will be a really terrible time for him, trying to understand loss.

I know that my life is stressful on the people around it as well as me, and I am trying very hard to hurry up and finish school so that I can get a job and start contributing more to the household. After this semester is over, I will have spring semester, some classes over the summer, and then fall semester. Then, I plan on getting a full time job (hopefully in a lab somewhere) so that we can start saving so that we can make our family official. I know people may think that I want to marry Tony because "everyone is doing it" but that really isn't what it is about. He fits. He fits with Alex and I. Its not an easy job to fit with an autistic kid, let alone the workaholic/worrier/idiosyncratic mother, but he did it. And he is a great dad to Alex, just like my dad was/is to me, so now I just have to hope that we don't lose him.

Love. Its something that Alex, Tony, and I all do in different ways. While the guys are much more reserved about it, I am the one who hugs and kisses, and tells them that I love them every chance I get. Tony is much more reserved than Alex and I, where we have to kind of guess when he is trying to show us that he loves us. And Alex. He is probably the most profound in his ability to love. He has a strong sense of compassion, which he pairs with being silly, and has the ability to get pretty much anyone to fall in love with him.

Although all autistic children are different, they all have one thing in common, and that is they see the world in a different way. I think that sometimes, the rest of us need to try seeing the world as they do, so we can realize that maybe we have our priorities wrong. Maybe we need to make our lives simpler. Or maybe, if Alex were in charge of the world, everyone would have a trampoline and be required to jump everyday. That wouldn't be so bad, would it?

Alex's Barriers

Since his troubles at swimming lessons on Sunday, I have been thinking about some things regarding Alex, and I would like to put out there that this whole entry is just a hypothesis that I am thinking about, and I am not sure, really, about anything.

On Sunday, Alex has his regular swimming lessons, only this time his instructor, Miss Emily, was sick. So he had a substitute. Well, Alex doesn't like new people all that much, he prefers to keep things the same all the time if possible, especially people. Needless to say, the whole lesson time Alex was screaming at the sub, pushing her hands away and not wanting her near him, let alone talking to him or even looking at him. There was no progress made, just one big yelling match.

This is what got me to start thinking. I think that Alex dislikes having that happen to him so much, that he just kind of shuts down. After we got back from swimming, we were outside playing with his sidewalk chalk and he didn't really say much to me. When his aunt Amy came over to give him a pumpkin she picked up for him, this sort of lifted his spirits and he did talk with her for a while. But I think that he is trying so hard not to be hurt when people he expects to be around are not there, that he just sort of shuts down until something comes around to lift his spirits.

I do worry about how his dad not being around in his life at all anymore affects him. I wish he could tell me, in his own words, how his heart feels. Tony and I try our hardest to fill the gap, but I don't know if any damage has been done that we can't undo. I know there are a lot of times when Alex wants to tell me what is going on, but he doesn't have the words, and it frustrates him so much. I know he wanted to tell that sub that no, he didn't feel comfortable with her, that he didn't want to go in the pool with her, but he didn't know how. There are many times where I would gladly give up my voice so that he can have his own, his own words to express how he feels.

I was told by one of the other swimming instructors to not worry about it. I do, however, worry about it, because I want Alex to understand that just because it is a new person, that they are not going to hurt him, they just want to help.

I am not sure what I can do, if anything, to help Alex right now. We are working to help him deal with his frustration times better, and every day I look forward to reading about his day at school and what fun things he did. But at the same time, I worry, because I want Alex to have opportunities in life, and I worry that his language barrier might get in the way of that. I would love nothing more than to listen to Alex tell me stories about anything, to hear him use his own words. I know that this is the hardest part for me, is not being able to communicate, but having to relearn how to tell him things so he understands.

There are times when I know that people just really don't understand what it is like, having a child that can't just be left with a babysitter or having to plan what you are going to say to make sure that he will understand. Its not easy having a child that cries and can't just say, "Mommy, I am sad!" or "Mommy, I am frustrated!". But all I can do is just keep looking ahead, and hoping that the day will arrive when he finally can tell me what is on his mind.

Its Been Far Too Long.....

So many new things to discuss! I have been a bit busy these last couple weeks, trying to get some things done, working a lot, and trying to make sure I get ample time with my family.

The first thing I think I am going to tell you about is how well Alex is doing with his swimming (see the videos). He is finally starting to realize he can use his arms, and has been doing much better using them around his fun noodle. He has been venturing into the deep end of the pool, and his new swimming buddy, Miss Emily, follows and encourages him every step of the way. He did a great job transitioning from Miss Danielle to being taught by Miss Emily, he realized that he had a new buddy, established the boundaries, and they have been making great progress ever since. This group of swimming lessons ends the 16th of this month, and then he gets a bit of a break before the next set of lessons begins. He really enjoys it, so I am totally ok with the long drive!

The next item of importance is of course, HIS BIRTHDAY! On September 23rd, our little man turned 5 years old. We had a little family get together for him, and he got some great birthday presents. His favorite thing (other than the two trampolines he got, one for Grandpa and Grandma's house, and the other for home) that he got was from my parents, and they got him a doctor kit. He has been checking my blood pressure, listening to my heart, and I swear I have gotten more shots from him since he got that than I ever did going through chemotherapy. He has grown so much, and I can't believe that 5 years has passed so quickly.

The other day, we got the coolest thing sent home with Alex from his school. They have been working with him trying to get him to realize when he is getting angry, and how he can deal with it in a way that doesn't involve screaming or hurting anyone or himself. He has an anger thermometer, and the bottom is "relaxed" and the top is "angry". It has faces on there, showing him angry and relaxed, and so far they are having great success using it at school. Hopefully, this will help when Tony and I are trying to get him to clean his room or clean up his toys, so he doesn't get as angry.

Which brings me to my last, and probably my most important, piece of news. I am so excited to share with everyone that he is starting to use more words. He is beginning to listen more to the words that Tony and I speak, and hast started to repeat a lot of them. He is growing and becoming more of a social creature everyday! I am not going to take any credit for this, I think that most of the thanks for this should go to his wonderful teachers and to Tony. Alex has been spending a lot of time with Tony, and I see how much he looks up to him, so I know he listens to everything he says and stores it away (which may or may not be a good thing?).

I cannot express with words how proud I am of Alex. He has a heart of gold and is a good kid (most of the time). We do still have some rough patches, but they are getting less frequent and he seems to calm down faster. All we can do now is sit back and watch him grow, offering our advice and help whenever he needs it.

Our (Not So) Little Empathetic Social Creature

There are two major points for this entry that I feel as though I should cover: One being Alex's progress in school these first two weeks, and the second being Alex and Tony's budding relationship.

First: School.

Alex has begun to realize that this year, Preschool is quite a bit different. He is expected to stop playing and transition from playing to having to complete different tasks, and this was a little bit difficult for him. His teacher wrote to me in his notebook saying that he did get mad when he was expected to do this, but it didn't last long. Basically he is learning that with play, you have to work also. This is something that I really want him to always be shown so that he begins to understand how important this value is. Work before play makes the play so much better!

Another thing that I have noticed is that his language is getting a bit better. He is answering a few more questions with suitable answers, and he seems like he "with" us more. Meaning, he is less in his own world now, and more in ours, listening to us and paying attention to the world around him. I look forward to watching this expand throughout the school year, with the help of his new speech therapist and everyone in his class.

The most touching thing that happened while he was at school this past week, however, was him showing an amazing capacity for empathy. Monday, when they were on their way outside for recess, Alex saw a little boy that tripped and he was sitting on the ground crying. He stopped going to the playground and got down on the ground next to him, looked into his face, and patted him on the back. This made the other boy feel better and then they both went outside to play. When I read that, the first thing I wanted to do is hug Alex so hard. I did go into his room and have a small chat with him. I told him what he did and told him how proud I was of him for doing this. I told him that caring about others is very important, because this is how you build important relationships with others. So often, people will look the other way because they are so wrapped up in their own lives. Seeing that Alex has this already in place in his heart is making my heart feel like it will burst with pride.

Which brings me to the second topic of this entry: Alex and Tony's relationship.

Last night, when I came home from school (it was about 9 pm), the floor was clean, and Alex was watching some Yo Gabba Gabba. When I put him to bed, Tony said that Alex always listened when it was just the two of them, but when I was there, he seemed to put up a fight. That night, he told Alex to pick up his toys, and when he looked at the floor again, all of the toys were gone, put in the box on the table neatly.

I didn't fully process this information until I was laying in bed a bit later, and I realized why it was that way. Yet another thing Alex gets from me, is how he views the father figure in his life. All I want in my life is for my dad to be proud of me, and I think Alex is starting to get that same way. He wants Tony to be proud of him, and so he acts differently when it is just the two of them. He listens to Tony and looks up to him, and he is very important to Alex. I think, in his own way, Alex loves Tony. He is really starting to look at him as "daddy", and I would like to go so far as to say I think Tony goes so far as to see Alex as his son. Even though our life is not that black and white (or, I suppose, Black and Greene in our case?), and I know that there are going to be times when Alex's biological father comes and goes, I think that Alex will realize that Tony is the stable figure in his life, and hopefully, Alex will aspire to be that way too.

I have had to realize these past two weeks that my little man is growing up quickly. He is doing fabulously with his swimming lessons, doing so well in school, and continuing to make progress every day. There are some days when I have to think, "How can anyone choose not to be around this little man?"

A Mind Like No Other

It has come to my attention how uplifting even getting one positive comment about yourself a day can be. This morning, on my drive to work, I was deep in thought about how much I hoped Alexzander enjoyed his first day of school, how much stuff I had to do this week, and when I was going to be able to fit in things like laundry and dishes. When I called one of my favorite cousins, Stacey, she and I had another conversation that my boss likes to call "A conversation to solve all the world's problems", and she said how much she likes my writing and how she thinks I should write a book because of my incessant rambling on here. After I hung up the phone with her, I realized that there are times where I kind of downplay how difficult things can be on me emotionally.

Being a parent can make a person feel cut off from their friends, or even from their own spouse, when your every thought can be consumed by that one little being that you helped to create. For me, I have two things going against me: One, I am the only parent of Alex's in his life right now, and my child has autism. Children usually like to be around other people, however Alex is not really that way all the time. He has a difficulty being around a lot of people for parties or family functions, which makes us even more cut off from other beings.

Not to mention I still have difficulty defining Alex and Tony's relationship in my mind. I am Alex's parent, however I find that I am not ok with just relying on Tony to always be there to be the other parent. I feel that is taking advantage of him, expecting him to be a dad to a child that isn't his. So there is a constant battle in my mind of whether I am pushing it too far by having Alex stay with him on his days off, or asking him to pick him up from my parents, or even just helping out. This unsure feeling extends to Tony's family, where I often feel like Alex and I should just be "at arm's length", because we don't technically "belong". I think it would be disrespectful of me to them just to think that Alex and I are welcome all the time, let alone be considered "members". To me, it would be the easy way out to just push my way in, and expect them to be there for me just because I am with him. But I don't think that is right. I would not just drop my son on his mom and expect her to watch him... she isn't his family. I think that if I have made my way this far on my own, I think I can handle going further and not leaning on people who never asked for me or Alex to be in the picture in the first place.

And on top of all of this, I have stress up the wahzoo. Yes, that is a technical term.

I have homework, studying, a job, deadlines to remember, a house to maintain, extracurricular activities to fit in, a family to think about, and best friends that I at least have to talk to (or try to talk to) every six months. I have been told that I should not complain, because I bring this all on myself, so that is why this has not come up until now. I am not saying this to try to get pity, but instead I want people to understand where I come from. What I study... its not easy. I am a Science major, studying for my GRE (the test to take to get into Grad School). With every life decision comes certain sacrifices, and the sacrifices that I make for Alex's, Tony's, and my own future is usually getting rid of my own ways to have fun (or at least altering them). I barely see my best friend, I have learned how to have fun while studying, I have learned how to clean my house while studying, and I have learned that even five minutes that I get to cuddle with Alex should be a major thing.

I am 25 years old, so now I am going through what the professionals call a "quarter life crisis", meaning I am getting angry all the time because even though I am on my way to accomplishing a lot, I really have not completely accomplished all that much. And the wait... is killing me. I am watching people my age get married and have babies, and I want nothing more than to be able to just drop everything and breathe. Those life changing events have been put on hold for me, because I have a life to develop.

Now, take all of these rather normal feelings of uncertainty, and twist them up tighter because of the whole "being a cancer survivor" thing, and then add on that my child has autism. There are things that I am physically unable to do, and my body looks like it has been ripped apart by a giant beast. I can have all of these feelings in a matter of hours. I have scars, mental and physical. But I put it all behind me because of this one little man, the being that I created so I would not have to be alone, so that I could know and understand what unconditional love is. He needs me, to help him learn and grow. He needs me to test my very creativity coming up with new ideas as to how to help him understand the world around him. He needs me to show him how to love, and be loved in return. I have to show him that hard work pays off.

I have said it before, and I will say it again. I am far from perfect. I am not the soccer mom that drives a van and listens to alternative rock. I drive a black Chevy Cobalt, listen to my rock music too loud, play video games when I have some spare time, my favorite book is Alice in Wonderland, and I love a guy who is a lot like me. I am my own special twist on the word "mom", and I do get looked at funny for it. But I try my best, and when I get a little bit of positive reinforcement, I can go miles with it.

Having an autistic child isn't easy. But if you look at it in the right way, it can be a blast, even if you have an ever wandering mind like mine.