Another Tough Week

This week was tougher than last week. I was denied a position with a company that I was really looking forward to. I felt horrible all week, and friends irritated me like never before. Alex had a tough time at school all week long, and I felt as though I was failing him because I couldn't make it better. I couldn't figure out the answer to making his world click with our own in a way that would positively influence his learning and social skills. I read articles, I read blogs, I read peer reviewed journal articles by doctors and psychologists... and nothing fit. Nothing helped.

Worst. Feeling. Ever.

But then, on Saturday, I saw this:

This helped me push through all of the bad to remember what I am now, and always will be thankful for. Whether it is how well they get along, how they were practically made for each other, even the way they can both make me smile after a horrible day. When I was called about not getting the job I interviewed for last week, Tony yelled, "F*** you, LHI!" while in the car after I told him. He said I should send them a thank you card when I get a job, because it will be one that I love, and they didn't stand in my way. When I felt like a terrible parent, lost and bawling my eyes out, he took my hand and reminded me that I should never have all of the answers, and that I am a good mom. I am not sure how he does it, how he always remembers that no matter what he is an awesome dad, but there are times where I am so thankful that he is in my life I can't even put it into words. I am lucky to have him by my side, supporting me and loving not just me, but Alex too. I am not sure if he quite understands exactly how much power his love and presence has on Alex and I.

And Alex, for as much difficulty as he had at school, never showed it at home. He always ran to me after getting off the bus with a "Momma! Momma!", cuddled with me, and reveled in a chorus of "MOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!" and "DAAAAAADDDDDDDD!" this weekend when he had both of us home with him.

So this is a new week. I have to try and put the things that happened last week and the week before behind me. Alex is having a hard time in school with the new concepts, and is taking it out on his friends. All that we can do is just keep reminding him that he shouldn't take his frustrations out on his friends, because they want to help him too.

He still is refusing to touch his iPad for very long, because I put new games on there addressing some of the topics he is having a hard time with in school. I am hoping he gets over this soon, because they are some pretty fun games!

So the real heart of why I have been so, distant... lets say, to those around me is partially from frustration, but mostly guilt. I feel bad that I am getting frustrated, because Alex is the way he is. Its just as frustrating to him too. The important thing to me is that he never sees me cry because of any of this, that he never sees how frustrated and crazy it makes me. I don't want him to know about the sleepless nights where stress is keeping me from sleeping longer than 2 hours, or days where my eyes are practically bleeding from reading so much from "experts". This is so important to me because I don't ever want Alex to feel bad about the way he is, about who he is, or about his life in general. I always want him to be able to tell me anything, because dealing with things as a family is really important. I don't want him to be ashamed of choices he makes, as long as they are thought about thoroughly and it makes him happy without hurting others.

Further guilt is that I think about siblings, and what is going to happen if I really am the one to blame, and our next child has autism as well? I won't love them any differently, but I will feel guilty nonetheless.

I still have a lot to think about. A lot to figure out. I don't ever expect things to get easier, but rather that I become tougher to deal with them. That is possibly the best parental advice that I can give to anyone: Don't expect things to become easier, expect yourself to become tougher.