Alex's Barriers

Since his troubles at swimming lessons on Sunday, I have been thinking about some things regarding Alex, and I would like to put out there that this whole entry is just a hypothesis that I am thinking about, and I am not sure, really, about anything.

On Sunday, Alex has his regular swimming lessons, only this time his instructor, Miss Emily, was sick. So he had a substitute. Well, Alex doesn't like new people all that much, he prefers to keep things the same all the time if possible, especially people. Needless to say, the whole lesson time Alex was screaming at the sub, pushing her hands away and not wanting her near him, let alone talking to him or even looking at him. There was no progress made, just one big yelling match.

This is what got me to start thinking. I think that Alex dislikes having that happen to him so much, that he just kind of shuts down. After we got back from swimming, we were outside playing with his sidewalk chalk and he didn't really say much to me. When his aunt Amy came over to give him a pumpkin she picked up for him, this sort of lifted his spirits and he did talk with her for a while. But I think that he is trying so hard not to be hurt when people he expects to be around are not there, that he just sort of shuts down until something comes around to lift his spirits.

I do worry about how his dad not being around in his life at all anymore affects him. I wish he could tell me, in his own words, how his heart feels. Tony and I try our hardest to fill the gap, but I don't know if any damage has been done that we can't undo. I know there are a lot of times when Alex wants to tell me what is going on, but he doesn't have the words, and it frustrates him so much. I know he wanted to tell that sub that no, he didn't feel comfortable with her, that he didn't want to go in the pool with her, but he didn't know how. There are many times where I would gladly give up my voice so that he can have his own, his own words to express how he feels.

I was told by one of the other swimming instructors to not worry about it. I do, however, worry about it, because I want Alex to understand that just because it is a new person, that they are not going to hurt him, they just want to help.

I am not sure what I can do, if anything, to help Alex right now. We are working to help him deal with his frustration times better, and every day I look forward to reading about his day at school and what fun things he did. But at the same time, I worry, because I want Alex to have opportunities in life, and I worry that his language barrier might get in the way of that. I would love nothing more than to listen to Alex tell me stories about anything, to hear him use his own words. I know that this is the hardest part for me, is not being able to communicate, but having to relearn how to tell him things so he understands.

There are times when I know that people just really don't understand what it is like, having a child that can't just be left with a babysitter or having to plan what you are going to say to make sure that he will understand. Its not easy having a child that cries and can't just say, "Mommy, I am sad!" or "Mommy, I am frustrated!". But all I can do is just keep looking ahead, and hoping that the day will arrive when he finally can tell me what is on his mind.

Its Been Far Too Long.....

So many new things to discuss! I have been a bit busy these last couple weeks, trying to get some things done, working a lot, and trying to make sure I get ample time with my family.

The first thing I think I am going to tell you about is how well Alex is doing with his swimming (see the videos). He is finally starting to realize he can use his arms, and has been doing much better using them around his fun noodle. He has been venturing into the deep end of the pool, and his new swimming buddy, Miss Emily, follows and encourages him every step of the way. He did a great job transitioning from Miss Danielle to being taught by Miss Emily, he realized that he had a new buddy, established the boundaries, and they have been making great progress ever since. This group of swimming lessons ends the 16th of this month, and then he gets a bit of a break before the next set of lessons begins. He really enjoys it, so I am totally ok with the long drive!

The next item of importance is of course, HIS BIRTHDAY! On September 23rd, our little man turned 5 years old. We had a little family get together for him, and he got some great birthday presents. His favorite thing (other than the two trampolines he got, one for Grandpa and Grandma's house, and the other for home) that he got was from my parents, and they got him a doctor kit. He has been checking my blood pressure, listening to my heart, and I swear I have gotten more shots from him since he got that than I ever did going through chemotherapy. He has grown so much, and I can't believe that 5 years has passed so quickly.

The other day, we got the coolest thing sent home with Alex from his school. They have been working with him trying to get him to realize when he is getting angry, and how he can deal with it in a way that doesn't involve screaming or hurting anyone or himself. He has an anger thermometer, and the bottom is "relaxed" and the top is "angry". It has faces on there, showing him angry and relaxed, and so far they are having great success using it at school. Hopefully, this will help when Tony and I are trying to get him to clean his room or clean up his toys, so he doesn't get as angry.

Which brings me to my last, and probably my most important, piece of news. I am so excited to share with everyone that he is starting to use more words. He is beginning to listen more to the words that Tony and I speak, and hast started to repeat a lot of them. He is growing and becoming more of a social creature everyday! I am not going to take any credit for this, I think that most of the thanks for this should go to his wonderful teachers and to Tony. Alex has been spending a lot of time with Tony, and I see how much he looks up to him, so I know he listens to everything he says and stores it away (which may or may not be a good thing?).

I cannot express with words how proud I am of Alex. He has a heart of gold and is a good kid (most of the time). We do still have some rough patches, but they are getting less frequent and he seems to calm down faster. All we can do now is sit back and watch him grow, offering our advice and help whenever he needs it.

Our (Not So) Little Empathetic Social Creature

There are two major points for this entry that I feel as though I should cover: One being Alex's progress in school these first two weeks, and the second being Alex and Tony's budding relationship.

First: School.

Alex has begun to realize that this year, Preschool is quite a bit different. He is expected to stop playing and transition from playing to having to complete different tasks, and this was a little bit difficult for him. His teacher wrote to me in his notebook saying that he did get mad when he was expected to do this, but it didn't last long. Basically he is learning that with play, you have to work also. This is something that I really want him to always be shown so that he begins to understand how important this value is. Work before play makes the play so much better!

Another thing that I have noticed is that his language is getting a bit better. He is answering a few more questions with suitable answers, and he seems like he "with" us more. Meaning, he is less in his own world now, and more in ours, listening to us and paying attention to the world around him. I look forward to watching this expand throughout the school year, with the help of his new speech therapist and everyone in his class.

The most touching thing that happened while he was at school this past week, however, was him showing an amazing capacity for empathy. Monday, when they were on their way outside for recess, Alex saw a little boy that tripped and he was sitting on the ground crying. He stopped going to the playground and got down on the ground next to him, looked into his face, and patted him on the back. This made the other boy feel better and then they both went outside to play. When I read that, the first thing I wanted to do is hug Alex so hard. I did go into his room and have a small chat with him. I told him what he did and told him how proud I was of him for doing this. I told him that caring about others is very important, because this is how you build important relationships with others. So often, people will look the other way because they are so wrapped up in their own lives. Seeing that Alex has this already in place in his heart is making my heart feel like it will burst with pride.

Which brings me to the second topic of this entry: Alex and Tony's relationship.

Last night, when I came home from school (it was about 9 pm), the floor was clean, and Alex was watching some Yo Gabba Gabba. When I put him to bed, Tony said that Alex always listened when it was just the two of them, but when I was there, he seemed to put up a fight. That night, he told Alex to pick up his toys, and when he looked at the floor again, all of the toys were gone, put in the box on the table neatly.

I didn't fully process this information until I was laying in bed a bit later, and I realized why it was that way. Yet another thing Alex gets from me, is how he views the father figure in his life. All I want in my life is for my dad to be proud of me, and I think Alex is starting to get that same way. He wants Tony to be proud of him, and so he acts differently when it is just the two of them. He listens to Tony and looks up to him, and he is very important to Alex. I think, in his own way, Alex loves Tony. He is really starting to look at him as "daddy", and I would like to go so far as to say I think Tony goes so far as to see Alex as his son. Even though our life is not that black and white (or, I suppose, Black and Greene in our case?), and I know that there are going to be times when Alex's biological father comes and goes, I think that Alex will realize that Tony is the stable figure in his life, and hopefully, Alex will aspire to be that way too.

I have had to realize these past two weeks that my little man is growing up quickly. He is doing fabulously with his swimming lessons, doing so well in school, and continuing to make progress every day. There are some days when I have to think, "How can anyone choose not to be around this little man?"

A Mind Like No Other

It has come to my attention how uplifting even getting one positive comment about yourself a day can be. This morning, on my drive to work, I was deep in thought about how much I hoped Alexzander enjoyed his first day of school, how much stuff I had to do this week, and when I was going to be able to fit in things like laundry and dishes. When I called one of my favorite cousins, Stacey, she and I had another conversation that my boss likes to call "A conversation to solve all the world's problems", and she said how much she likes my writing and how she thinks I should write a book because of my incessant rambling on here. After I hung up the phone with her, I realized that there are times where I kind of downplay how difficult things can be on me emotionally.

Being a parent can make a person feel cut off from their friends, or even from their own spouse, when your every thought can be consumed by that one little being that you helped to create. For me, I have two things going against me: One, I am the only parent of Alex's in his life right now, and my child has autism. Children usually like to be around other people, however Alex is not really that way all the time. He has a difficulty being around a lot of people for parties or family functions, which makes us even more cut off from other beings.

Not to mention I still have difficulty defining Alex and Tony's relationship in my mind. I am Alex's parent, however I find that I am not ok with just relying on Tony to always be there to be the other parent. I feel that is taking advantage of him, expecting him to be a dad to a child that isn't his. So there is a constant battle in my mind of whether I am pushing it too far by having Alex stay with him on his days off, or asking him to pick him up from my parents, or even just helping out. This unsure feeling extends to Tony's family, where I often feel like Alex and I should just be "at arm's length", because we don't technically "belong". I think it would be disrespectful of me to them just to think that Alex and I are welcome all the time, let alone be considered "members". To me, it would be the easy way out to just push my way in, and expect them to be there for me just because I am with him. But I don't think that is right. I would not just drop my son on his mom and expect her to watch him... she isn't his family. I think that if I have made my way this far on my own, I think I can handle going further and not leaning on people who never asked for me or Alex to be in the picture in the first place.

And on top of all of this, I have stress up the wahzoo. Yes, that is a technical term.

I have homework, studying, a job, deadlines to remember, a house to maintain, extracurricular activities to fit in, a family to think about, and best friends that I at least have to talk to (or try to talk to) every six months. I have been told that I should not complain, because I bring this all on myself, so that is why this has not come up until now. I am not saying this to try to get pity, but instead I want people to understand where I come from. What I study... its not easy. I am a Science major, studying for my GRE (the test to take to get into Grad School). With every life decision comes certain sacrifices, and the sacrifices that I make for Alex's, Tony's, and my own future is usually getting rid of my own ways to have fun (or at least altering them). I barely see my best friend, I have learned how to have fun while studying, I have learned how to clean my house while studying, and I have learned that even five minutes that I get to cuddle with Alex should be a major thing.

I am 25 years old, so now I am going through what the professionals call a "quarter life crisis", meaning I am getting angry all the time because even though I am on my way to accomplishing a lot, I really have not completely accomplished all that much. And the wait... is killing me. I am watching people my age get married and have babies, and I want nothing more than to be able to just drop everything and breathe. Those life changing events have been put on hold for me, because I have a life to develop.

Now, take all of these rather normal feelings of uncertainty, and twist them up tighter because of the whole "being a cancer survivor" thing, and then add on that my child has autism. There are things that I am physically unable to do, and my body looks like it has been ripped apart by a giant beast. I can have all of these feelings in a matter of hours. I have scars, mental and physical. But I put it all behind me because of this one little man, the being that I created so I would not have to be alone, so that I could know and understand what unconditional love is. He needs me, to help him learn and grow. He needs me to test my very creativity coming up with new ideas as to how to help him understand the world around him. He needs me to show him how to love, and be loved in return. I have to show him that hard work pays off.

I have said it before, and I will say it again. I am far from perfect. I am not the soccer mom that drives a van and listens to alternative rock. I drive a black Chevy Cobalt, listen to my rock music too loud, play video games when I have some spare time, my favorite book is Alice in Wonderland, and I love a guy who is a lot like me. I am my own special twist on the word "mom", and I do get looked at funny for it. But I try my best, and when I get a little bit of positive reinforcement, I can go miles with it.

Having an autistic child isn't easy. But if you look at it in the right way, it can be a blast, even if you have an ever wandering mind like mine.

Last Summer Swim Practice

Alex has now graduated from swimming just one on one with Miss Danielle to having a peer join him for his Fall Lessons. He did extremely well this evening, and is starting to enjoy figuring out how to keep himself floating in the deep water. He had a huge smile on his face as he was kicking around, didn't fuss when we put his floaties on his back, and gladly gave up his fun-noodle and attempted to float with just his back floaties. He also learned how to jump feet first into the deeper water, holding on to two hands, then he got really brave and learned how to jump holding just one hand. There was no fuss this time, absolutely none, when we changed from doing one thing to another, and he actually wanted to stay in the deep end even when Miss Danielle offered to let him over into what we called his "comfort zone".

Danielle and I had a great conversation about what we think would be best for him in the fall, and we both decided that a great idea is having him team up with a peer so they can learn things not only from Miss Danielle, but also from each other. She also believes that he will be ready, by the end of the next set of seven weeks, to test for being a Level 1 swimmer, because he has already got a lot of the basics that he needs down. For his age, she said she thinks he is doing fantastically, and I completely agree. Everyone, the lady in charge of Adapted Aquatics, the teachers, even the parents who have their children there too, say that they are so amazed that just seven weeks ago, this same little boy was screaming his head off because he didn't want to go in the water. Now if only we can get his Grandma to learn how much fun the water can be...

I would also like to thank him for being a wonderfully behaved little boy for Grandpa today. This morning, at 6 am, my father called me so I could come over and give him a shot with his Epi-Pen because he was stung by a bee while feeding his birds (crazy old bird man). When Alex got up, I sat him down and told him that his beloved best friend, Grandpa, was not feeling the best, and that he needed to be EXTRA good for him. He needed to be his nurse and NOT let him go outside. Alex did just that. Apparently when Grandpa did go outside, Alex got his shoes on and started going after him. But he was back inside by the time Alex got to the door. I could only imagine the butt chewing Alex would have done.

We still have some struggles, and I am reminded of them every once in a while. Like how he doesn't understand parties, and how he doesn't like having a lot of people around him. This past weekend at my niece's baptism was a prime example of him still having times that are not the easiest for him. However, those are becoming more and more of a rare thing, because I have learned how to better help him adjust, how to respond to him, and what good and bad situations are for him to be in. I don't write this blog to get pity from people, nor do I want to make other parents of autistic children feel bad if their child is more affected by it. I just want to use this as a tool for myself to talk me through things with Alex, and I also want it to be something that helps the people around Alex understand him better. Alex doesn't need people to treat him differently, but rather understand that what he sees and what he experiences is different than other children. Instead of just thinking he has some sort of discipline issue, this blog helps people to understand that when he lashes out it is the only way he knows how to communicate the fact that he is uncomfortable. He has words, but he doesn't have the ones he needs connected to certain things yet. But he will get there, I promise. Even Miss Danielle said this evening that she firmly believes that there is NOTHING that he can't do, if he just takes the time to learn it.

Countdown to School Continues

Sorry it has been a few days. Life has been happening.

Alex has done a marvelous job the last few swimming sessions that we have gone to. He can now kick his way across the pool without the floaties on his back, however we are trying to get him to calm down when he is in the deeper water so he can realize that he can float. This last time, Danielle was floating him on his back and managed to get him calmed down by singing to him. But when we put him in the deep water with his fun noodle, he still whines and expresses his want to go to the other, more shallow end of the pool. He knows he can touch with his feet there, and I think he thinks that means he can have more fun. However, once he realizes that he can swim and stay afloat in the deeper water if he just calms down, then I think teaching him how to swim will be much easier.

With the summer coming to a close rapidly, I am finding I am getting a little depressed about some of the things I wanted to accomplish with him but did not have the chance to. His pencil grip still needs work, because he doesn't hold it properly, and I think he would have an easier time writing if he did. However, being stubborn is definitely something he is good at (I know, he gets it from mom), and so he thinks his way is the best way. I think, though, that my key to beating that might be with his sidewalk chalk. Last week, Aunt "Bill", Thea Aspenson, my best friend, came over and we sat outside and drew on the sidewalk. He had a great time, as did we, and he liked showing her that he mastered the letter R. So I think the more dates we have like that, hopefully we can con him into holding the chalk our way, instead of his way.

I find that there are times where I wish he understood me. I wish that instead of freaking out, he would understand what I am saying and stay calm. Its hard to calm him down when he starts freaking out, and a lot of the time I am scared he will hurt himself. He is so much better around a lot of people, and since I haven't wanted to spend much time at home lately and have brought him with to a lot of different places, he has started to not want to be home much either. Sadly, many things stand in my way of having a place that is big enough for him to run around and exhaust himself from having fun. My dream of building my own house was brought up yesterday and even though it was not a part of the conversation, I was thinking about how much space I wanted for Alex just so he could have a lot of room to be comfortable. I want him to have a big bedroom with a lot of things he loves, like books and cars. But then I know that with that dream life, I will be taken away from him so that I can work a bunch to pay for it all. Although this dream house may be a few years away, I find that I now am faced with the delicate balance that many other parents are faced with: How to make enough money and still be there for your child.

Everyone deserves a place where they can relax, and un-stress themselves. What I thought was going to be a lazy summer has turned out to be quite different. But I have learned that I cannot show that to Alex, because he knows how mommy is feeling, and if I am having a bad day, so is he. I love, though, how he tries to make it better, by making funny faces and sticking his face in mine and smiling. He has a great heart.

Swimming, Boxer Troubles, and Kitties are NOT Supposed to Fly

A few things happened this afternoon that I feel the need to tell you all about. Hopefully some of you will laugh about it and be extremely happy for him like I have. Ok. Here we go:

First- Swimming lessons. He did an amazing job today. He was used to the water right away this time, and started to wander around the pool rather than just stay in his corner. We couldn't get him to calm down and try to float on his back, even after watching me do it. He kept freaking out like we were going to drop him. So then we decided to get his attention off of that for a bit and Danielle got him to splash with his feet, do some simple strokes with his hands, and then, she tricked him into floating around the pool with a fun noodle. She strapped some floaties on his back and put his arms over the fun noodle, then stranded him in the deep part of the pool. The only way he could get to where he wanted to go was to kick his feet and swim. He did magnificently. It was brilliant. And then when he got to a point where he could almost touch the bottom, she moved him back to the deep part of the pool and he had to do it all over again. The look on his face was marvelous. He was concentrating on where he wanted to go, and was kicking his legs like crazy. He was so enveloped in focus that when he got to the other side the last time, a smile burst across his face like he knew he did something amazing. We cheered him on, and he even cheered himself on by saying "I can do it! I can do it!". Danielle said she will do this with him again next week, so hopefully I will have some pictures to share.

Then, when we were on our way home, we stopped for his celebratory chicken nuggets and for some reason, he didn't want them. This was odd to me, but when I handed him his drink, he drank it all in less than a block. Apparently swimming makes the little man have massive thirst.

And finally, when we got home, he stripped out of his swimming trunks and went to put on his boxers (all by himself, because of course, he is practically a man now that he swam across the pool four or five times) and missed one of the leg holes. Now he is running around the house with both legs through one leg hole and the other leg hole is dangling behind him.

I know that not everyone can dwell in how cute my child is, but surely everyone can appreciate that he has definitely gotten his mom's silliness. For right now, however, I have to go, because Alex is trying to be like Tony and toss the cats around....