Valentine's Week

There was a lot of love in the air this past week, what with it being Valentine's Day on Thursday, the 100th day of school for Alex on Tuesday, and getting to spend the day with Grandpa on Friday. Alex had a pretty busy week, and I think he was quite thankful that he was able to have three days to rest.

On Tuesday, they had to dress like they were 100 years old. He looked great when he had his shirt tucked in and the waist of his pants above his belly, but he was not comfortable that way, and un-tucked his shirt right away.

Waiting patiently in line to play with the SMART board on the 100th Day of School.

As you may have noticed for this picture, he is looking at the camera and attempting a smile. This is one thing his teacher is VERY excited about! He is starting to smile for pictures and actually let her take some of him! He also is more open to giving her hugs, and he talks a lot about "Mrs. Harger and The Mrs. G" when he comes home from school. Thats right, Mrs. G is no ordinary Mrs. G.... she is THE Mrs. G.

Things are looking brighter for him again, and he seems to be having a better time at school. He is still learning about the consequences of his actions, though. On Wednesday, he jumped into a big puddle even though he was told not to, so his snow boots were soaking wet. On Thursday, they were still not dry (Dad forgot to dry them while Mom was gone) so he had to stay on the pavement for recess. He didn't like this the first time around, but then understood for the following recesses that he couldn't play in the snow without his snow clothes.

Thursday, we sent flowers for Mrs. Harger, Mrs. G, Mrs. Stellner, and Mrs. Ostrem. They do a wonderful job with Alex, and he likes talking about them. So I thought it would be a nice surprise for Valentine's Day to get them something. Alex had a blast at the Valentine's party, then that night we went through and looked at all of his Valentine's, read their names, and he decided that his favorite one was from Mrs. Harger, because it had Blue's Clues on it. He really enjoyed the candy and stickers too!

He got a Valentine from Aunt Bill, and I got flowers from Dad. I told him that even when Mom says she doesn't NEED flowers, doesn't mean she won't feel special if she gets them anyway. Just laying the seed for how to act in future relationships is all I am doing.

Eating Valentine's candy from Aunt Bill and playing on PBSKids.org.

My flowers from Dad.

On Saturday, I had to run to the store for a few things (and to really just get out of the house), so Alex decided he would look for a new doctor kit. His old one is a hodge-podge of toys that he tries to use for a check up, but I thought that he had been really good this week, so why not. However, the only one we could find, was purple and pink (glitter), and he seemed fine with that. He was really excited to get it home to play with, and I think that I am ok with check ups for the rest of my life after how many he put me through.

Rockin' the new doctor kit.

Most people would probably say, "He is a boy, you should find him a blue one." Bah. I don't care. He doesn't understand the difference, and if he likes it and learns from it, why should it matter what color it is? 

I have come to realize that my little boy is growing up. This stems from him asking me almost daily where Dad is, and that he wants Dad to play with him. He is moving on from me being the center of his world to always looking to Dad for answers or guidance, and I guess... for as sad as it makes me, I am ok with it. He is so smart, and keeps a lot of it locked inside, and if we have to share him in order to get the full (no pun intended) spectrum of his knowledge, then I guess I can stop being so selfish. :)

Post Of Happiness

More snow this week meant that Alex had a really good week. The only aspect that was rough on him was doing his homework once he got home, and Dad and I had to put him in the corner for a few times to calm down so he could focus on what he needed to do. But he made snow men at school with his 4th grade friend, and the whole front of the school is lined with them!

Outside our house, it is snowing!

Alex next to his amazing snowman!

On Friday, we had a date night at the school, because they had a PBIS Family Night where they showed one of Alex's current favorite movies, Madagascar 3. He was such a good boy, eating his popcorn, watching the movie, and cuddling with me. 

Alex and I on our date to Family Night!

This week, we were just focused on being happy. There are so many things that we could focus on for the bad, but I have been feeling so down the last few weeks that I couldn't do that this week. So now I will post some pictures of our happy kid, being his goofy self. 

Goofy growling face.

Big smiles!

Tuckered out after our date.

I love when he makes this face.

He got a letter from Aunt Bill in the mail.

So he had to rip it open to see what it said!

And wouldn't share!

I will have more words for next week. I guess I just want you all out there to enjoy smiles this week, after dealing with sadness and frustration from this blog the last few weeks. So I hope you all have a happy week, keep your chins up and love yourselves and those around you!

Hope

We received Alex's IEP progress report and his Kindergarten progress reports on Friday, and I have finally found a little ray of hope. I think that sometimes it is easy for us to tell one another to not lose hope, but we don't really think about the real meaning and vastness behind that word. But when I see the words "Sufficient Progress" or "Secure" on these pages, it makes the real feeling of hope come back to me.

Lately, Alex has really enjoyed playing doctor with his stuffed animals, and of course Tony and I have had to get several check ups. I like watching him come up with ideas as to what ailment each of his animals have, and what he has to cure it.

First, Blue got a check up.

Then, T. Rex got an X, because that is in his name.

Those are his doctor tools he used to make Blue feel better.

This was after I broke the news to Alex that T. Rex was the last of his kind... that dinosaurs died off a long time ago.

This week brought snow. Alex had two days off this week due to snow, and one of those days he was able to spend with Grandpa, while the other he spent with mom and dad.

He enjoyed his time with us, but when he went back to school on Thursday and Friday, he was a bit confused. At the end of both days he wanted Grandpa, because he thought that he was supposed to pick him up from school. This made him a bit irritable, and he didn't want to focus at the end of the day. So, his teachers came up with an amazing idea to have a picture of the bus above his coat hook for days he rides the bus home, and then a picture of Grandpa by his hook for days when Grandpa comes to get him. We hope that this will help him to concentrate a bit more, because there will be less uncertainty in his day.

The best news that I got on his reports was, "Alex will answer some who, what, where questions when listening to a story. He will occasionally ask a question to get information. Alex is just starting to use picture cues to comment on an activity in speech. He is also starting to work on labeling the emotion 'mad' using picture cards/story." This is great because he is not only working on identifying his own emotions, but he is also starting to ask questions! Even if he is starting to resist doing his homework again (meaning screaming matches, hitting, ripping things... etc.) and he is still not cooperating fully in school, at least he is gaining some ground in his speech so maybe one day we can be told why he is angry or frustrated, rather then having to guess.

I am extremely lucky that Tony is so strong. Yesterday, after spending a whole day fighting with Alex to get his homework done, I went into the kitchen and had a few tears while Tony gave it a shot after he came home from work. Leave it to Dad to get stuff done. Alex finished his homework, and I was so grateful that Tony is here with me. I feel like such a wuss compared to him. I have a great partner in him, and I am so thankful that he has the ability to get through to Alex when I can't. No matter what, no one can take away the fact he has done so much to positively influence Alex and I's lives, and he definitely deserves the title of "World's Best Dad".

So to summarize, this week was rough on us again. Things will get better, but I am clinging to my last shreds of hope. I am putting my positive energy into this week, hoping that it is even a fraction of a bit better than last week or the week before. For now, though, there is a light snow falling outside, and I think it is about time that Alex and I go out there to stretch our legs a bit.

All work and no play makes him a hungry guy.

Another Tough Week

This week was tougher than last week. I was denied a position with a company that I was really looking forward to. I felt horrible all week, and friends irritated me like never before. Alex had a tough time at school all week long, and I felt as though I was failing him because I couldn't make it better. I couldn't figure out the answer to making his world click with our own in a way that would positively influence his learning and social skills. I read articles, I read blogs, I read peer reviewed journal articles by doctors and psychologists... and nothing fit. Nothing helped.

Worst. Feeling. Ever.

But then, on Saturday, I saw this:

This helped me push through all of the bad to remember what I am now, and always will be thankful for. Whether it is how well they get along, how they were practically made for each other, even the way they can both make me smile after a horrible day. When I was called about not getting the job I interviewed for last week, Tony yelled, "F*** you, LHI!" while in the car after I told him. He said I should send them a thank you card when I get a job, because it will be one that I love, and they didn't stand in my way. When I felt like a terrible parent, lost and bawling my eyes out, he took my hand and reminded me that I should never have all of the answers, and that I am a good mom. I am not sure how he does it, how he always remembers that no matter what he is an awesome dad, but there are times where I am so thankful that he is in my life I can't even put it into words. I am lucky to have him by my side, supporting me and loving not just me, but Alex too. I am not sure if he quite understands exactly how much power his love and presence has on Alex and I.

And Alex, for as much difficulty as he had at school, never showed it at home. He always ran to me after getting off the bus with a "Momma! Momma!", cuddled with me, and reveled in a chorus of "MOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!" and "DAAAAAADDDDDDDD!" this weekend when he had both of us home with him.

So this is a new week. I have to try and put the things that happened last week and the week before behind me. Alex is having a hard time in school with the new concepts, and is taking it out on his friends. All that we can do is just keep reminding him that he shouldn't take his frustrations out on his friends, because they want to help him too.

He still is refusing to touch his iPad for very long, because I put new games on there addressing some of the topics he is having a hard time with in school. I am hoping he gets over this soon, because they are some pretty fun games!

So the real heart of why I have been so, distant... lets say, to those around me is partially from frustration, but mostly guilt. I feel bad that I am getting frustrated, because Alex is the way he is. Its just as frustrating to him too. The important thing to me is that he never sees me cry because of any of this, that he never sees how frustrated and crazy it makes me. I don't want him to know about the sleepless nights where stress is keeping me from sleeping longer than 2 hours, or days where my eyes are practically bleeding from reading so much from "experts". This is so important to me because I don't ever want Alex to feel bad about the way he is, about who he is, or about his life in general. I always want him to be able to tell me anything, because dealing with things as a family is really important. I don't want him to be ashamed of choices he makes, as long as they are thought about thoroughly and it makes him happy without hurting others.

Further guilt is that I think about siblings, and what is going to happen if I really am the one to blame, and our next child has autism as well? I won't love them any differently, but I will feel guilty nonetheless.

I still have a lot to think about. A lot to figure out. I don't ever expect things to get easier, but rather that I become tougher to deal with them. That is possibly the best parental advice that I can give to anyone: Don't expect things to become easier, expect yourself to become tougher.

Aggressive Alex Isn't Allowed

Apologies for missing my post last week, but my grad school classes started on Monday, and I was bound and determined to get ahead of schedule, considering this is my first semester and I have no idea what I am in for. Not to mention, I am planning a wedding, looking for a job, and getting my research data gathered together for an oral presentation at the National Conference on Undergraduate Research (NCUR). I have been, how do you say, busy.

But the main point is that I am back, and boy do I have some interesting stuff to talk about. First, however, pictures!

We really know how to tire this kid out!

The snow is starting to go away, he is getting in the fun while he can!

So the good news is that Alex is becoming a pro at making sure he gets his outside clothes on in the correct order, and most of the time, he even has his boots on the right feet! But, then, the middle of last week, he started to get sick. He made it through and only missed one day of school (which, when he came home, he acted like nothing was wrong, he thought he would get to play with me), otherwise he was quite the trooper. I know he loves to be outside, so it was hard for me that day he was home and I wanted to focus on getting better, not playing with me.

From Friday of last week, Alex has been out of sorts. He was disruptive during class, did not want to do his morning chores, and he was being aggressive toward his classmates. Tony and I changed his nighttime routine, so it is the exact same every night, and I gave him a break Wednesday morning and had Tony get him ready for school. My mom and dad picked him up from school, and my mom said that he had a much better day than the previous days, and even the note on Thursday was reassuring, saying that even though a kid reported some wrongdoing on Alex's part on the bus, he was eager to do what was asked of him at school and did his morning jobs with no problems.

I have been reading about behavior management, especially what is effective for autistics. Unlike what some people think, you cannot simply yell at or punish an autistic the same way people do to other children. Instead, a conversation should be started about what was wrong with the behavior they showed, and how they can correct it for the next time. I have also been looking for an app for his iPad, something involving social situations and what the right way to treat your friends is, but I have not been able to find anything yet. I may have to have the Google extraordinaire, Tony, look for one. Or maybe Stacey... she is really good at finding things that I need too.

I was also trying to figure out last night, waking up every couple hours to think, about what could the problem have been. Why did he suddenly start acting this way? Was he just overwhelmed with the amount of "Mom Time" he was getting? Did he want to spend more time with Dad and just didn't know how to ask? Is he getting bored at school? I am stressing myself out a lot by trying to figure out the answer, and so I need to step back from the issue, and focus back on Alex, not the problem.

I need to take another picture break.

Playing with his new Hulk. 

Eating Yogurt Raisins and playing iPad.

Reading his new Guardian books.

He is struggling with new concepts in school, and he is still having aggression issues. I think that I have to face the fact that it is time to go back and see his doctors to discuss these issues. We need to figure out what we need to do to make his time in school less stressful for him, get him to start interacting with his peers differently, and help him to be as successful as he can.

I got a letter home from his teacher telling about how the quarter ends on the 23rd of this month, and that after this time they are going to start working on stuff they will need to be prepared for 1st grade. He struggles working independently (which I kind of laughed about because that is the only way that I like to work) and he has to learn how to work better with others at the same time.

I feel, well, a variety of things. Overwhelmed, because I guess I am not sure where to start. I feel sad because I know this is something that is going to cause a lot of fights between us and Alex. Lost. Angry. You know, all of those feelings that one would expect in this particular situation. I want to just cry... a lot. It is my job to handle this, and this is one of those times where I could not imagine being one of those parents that just rely on the school to do everything.

I need to take a breather. I need to just take some time with Tony and discuss what we should do. Meanwhile, I think I am just going to do more research on the subject, and hope that I can come up with answers. I cannot take many more sleepless nights worrying and thinking.

Happy New Year!

While this week brought another change in his routine (started back at school again from winter break), nothing really overwhelming happened. Last night some friends of ours came over and Alex was able to play with their baby daughter, because as we know, he has been practicing taking care of babies at school.

He did a lot of playing in the snow, and when I asked him if winter was his favorite season, he jumped and said, "YES!" So that answers that question.

This week I have been thinking a lot about words. We are extremely lucky that Alex has language skills, because some Autistics don't speak at all. I know people probably look at Tony and I and judge us as parents because we do not really censor ourselves around Alex, and we try to teach him that words and their meanings are just something that humans made up. In the vast grand scheme of things, does it really matter what four letter word I just called the neighbor?

We are very laid back parents, which works because its what Alex responds to the best.

For this first post of the new year, I think I will not go any deeper, or any longer. Yesterday, I found my wedding dress, so today I am quite tired from that ferociously girly experience that I am totally not used to. I made the lady who was helping me find dresses and put them on cry with my story. She saw my tattoo and said it was very interesting, and I told her the story was much more interesting.

Next week's entry, hopefully, I will have some engagement photos to share, and since they will have a normal school week, maybe I will have more interesting Alex-isms to share.

I hope you are all having a happy new year!

The Holidays

There are lots of pictures that go along with this post. So first, I will get my talking out of the way, and then we can see the great gifts Alex received for the holidays.

I read an article this week about a mom coming to terms with the fact that her child isn't going to learn things at the same pace as the other children around his age. I guess I just hadn't taken the time to focus on that aspect of our lives, I just accepted and added it to the list of things that went with Alex. But after reading this article and having an obscene amount of time on my hands (like I have never had before), I have taken the time to think about it... and I still don't care.

Here is what I care about: I care about him learning that learning things is fun, that we will never stop learning our whole lives, and that you can always work toward learning what you don't know. I find it sort of strange that we spend the first 18 or so years of our lives having information forced into our brains, then the rest of our lives we are not encouraged to keep learning. I have been told so many times, "It was your choice to go back to school", which is true, but at the same time, it shouldn't be looked down upon. However, it shouldn't be a competition either.

I accept my child completely for what he is, and what he isn't. The hardest part of school for him was being around the other children, but he is slowly getting better at it, and more tolerant of them. Now the hardest part for him is the concept of being tested on what he knows, because he doesn't get why it is happening. He will learn, though, that this is an essential part of any education: being tested on the knowledge that one gains.

I can't push my child to learn any faster than what he is comfortable with, and while he can soak up information like a sponge, getting him to realize that there is a certain way that school works... may take some time. He has already memorized his learning Spanish program on the iPad, he almost has the whole sign language application memorized, and he does really well with the academics part of Kindergarten. We are very proud of him, no matter what his grades say. We will take as long as it takes to work with him patiently to get him the skills and information he needs to become an independent man. He already does so well independently, so it is just growing and encouraging those skills, while not losing the concept how essential human relationships can be... that is our mission.

And now, pictures. Alex had a great holiday. He doesn't start school until the 2nd of January, and his break has been great with mommy (or at least I hope).

Hang on tight, Dad!

He can do it!

That's right, Grandpa and Grandma got him a pogo stick for Christmas. He can't do it on his own yet, but he does really well when Dad holds on. He really enjoyed showing off his pogo-ing skills to Uncle Erik and Aunt Bethanie when they stopped by on Christmas Eve.

Reading....

And playing!

Meanwhile, Aunt Amy and Uncle Andy got him a sort of combat set, that has a gun that makes gun noises, a watch, a plastic knife, a holster that hooks to his leg, a helmet with goggles and an ear piece. He is not ok with the helmet and earpiece, and his head is still too small for the goggles, but he really enjoys the rest of it. He was trying to play with everything he got, as much as possible that night (Christmas Eve), and would go to his books he received and read a bit, then play with his toys, then go back to the books.

Playing with the plane from Aunt Amy and Uncle Andy.

Then, on Christmas day, we went over to Grandpa and Grandma's house again to see Aunt Amy, and we made breakfast! Waffles (since waffle makers were a common theme this year), bacon, and eggs! Grandma was at work, but Grandpa really enjoyed the special breakfast!

So much deliciousness!

 Alex received some gift cards, and decided that candy was the way to go with them. He still has some money left, and we will take him to the book store so that he may get some new books. While he is like a kid in a candy store, I think he would much rather be a kid in a book store.

A whole-lot of yummy....

Grandpa and Grandma also gave him a train set that they have been saving for him since he was about 4 years old. He helped me put it together, and really enjoyed playing with it. He had to get down close to watch it zoom around the tracks, and liked switching it from going forward to reverse and watching it zoom backwards.

Trying to figure out how it works.

From Tony and I, he got a new book, and a couple of new movies. His favorite movie? Madagascar 3. He curls up with his favorite bees and really likes watching Alex the Lion.

Alex watching Alex the Lion.

So school starts again for him this week, and school starts for me again on the 14th of January. With the new year comes a whole boatload of changes for us. While it might be a bit scary looking ahead at them, as long as we go through them as a family, we will all come out the other side and it is important to us that Alex understands this.

I hope everyone who reads this has a great new year! We will see you on the other side!