On Sunday, Alex has his regular swimming lessons, only this time his instructor, Miss Emily, was sick. So he had a substitute. Well, Alex doesn't like new people all that much, he prefers to keep things the same all the time if possible, especially people. Needless to say, the whole lesson time Alex was screaming at the sub, pushing her hands away and not wanting her near him, let alone talking to him or even looking at him. There was no progress made, just one big yelling match.
This is what got me to start thinking. I think that Alex dislikes having that happen to him so much, that he just kind of shuts down. After we got back from swimming, we were outside playing with his sidewalk chalk and he didn't really say much to me. When his aunt Amy came over to give him a pumpkin she picked up for him, this sort of lifted his spirits and he did talk with her for a while. But I think that he is trying so hard not to be hurt when people he expects to be around are not there, that he just sort of shuts down until something comes around to lift his spirits.
I do worry about how his dad not being around in his life at all anymore affects him. I wish he could tell me, in his own words, how his heart feels. Tony and I try our hardest to fill the gap, but I don't know if any damage has been done that we can't undo. I know there are a lot of times when Alex wants to tell me what is going on, but he doesn't have the words, and it frustrates him so much. I know he wanted to tell that sub that no, he didn't feel comfortable with her, that he didn't want to go in the pool with her, but he didn't know how. There are many times where I would gladly give up my voice so that he can have his own, his own words to express how he feels.
I was told by one of the other swimming instructors to not worry about it. I do, however, worry about it, because I want Alex to understand that just because it is a new person, that they are not going to hurt him, they just want to help.
I am not sure what I can do, if anything, to help Alex right now. We are working to help him deal with his frustration times better, and every day I look forward to reading about his day at school and what fun things he did. But at the same time, I worry, because I want Alex to have opportunities in life, and I worry that his language barrier might get in the way of that. I would love nothing more than to listen to Alex tell me stories about anything, to hear him use his own words. I know that this is the hardest part for me, is not being able to communicate, but having to relearn how to tell him things so he understands.
There are times when I know that people just really don't understand what it is like, having a child that can't just be left with a babysitter or having to plan what you are going to say to make sure that he will understand. Its not easy having a child that cries and can't just say, "Mommy, I am sad!" or "Mommy, I am frustrated!". But all I can do is just keep looking ahead, and hoping that the day will arrive when he finally can tell me what is on his mind.
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